Bill Johnson Accepts Full Responsibility for Raging Fires in Redding, CA

Note: This article is satire, and it is meant to take Bill Johnson's bad theological ideas to their logical (and ridiculous) conclusion. It is not my intent to make fun of the terrible difficulties that people face because of the Carr Fires; my hope is that the obvious false doctrine of how "we are in control" will be revealed in this crisis. God have mercy on us all. -Steven Kozar

14650345_10211038436821222_539419352546167033_n.jpg

In a brief press conference at the Redding, CA fire station, Bethel Senior Pastor Bill Johnson said, "It's all my fault and I will correct these errors as soon as possible. Unlike God, I'm in control. Please just give me a little more time to speak a rainstorm into existence. Thank you, no questions." After he finished Pastor Bill ran out the door saying to his assistant "Where's my Aston Martin?? Bring it to me now! I can pray while I'm driving..."

8063abe05ac24c12c5c693973cdd0d27.jpg

Bethel Co-pastor and self-proclaimed "Reformer," Kris Vallotton, could not be reached for comment, since he was out of town giving a prophetic workshop...

Screen Shot 2018-07-27 at 7.52.23 AM.png

 

Bill Johnson doesn't think we need to "deal with unanswered prayer," so why is he not simply praying the fires away?

14440675_10154018520193741_6776591709678182049_n.jpg

 

Bill Johnson claims that it's our commission "to rule the earth," so why doesn't he lead by example and make the fires stop?

13631562_10154245807930930_7722904262145879905_n.jpg

 

Bill Johnson says that too much knowledge will hinder our obedience, so why doesn't he demonstrate his unwavering obedience (and lack of education) and put out the fires?

13754091_10153835891693741_6991594047686073063_n.jpg

 

If it's true that God "wants to use us to do the impossible" why doesn't Bill Johnson demonstrate this principle right now and put out the terrible fires in his own town?

13151754_10154087756375930_8112147956252306028_n.jpg

 

Bethel is the place that claims to encounter God all the time, which means they should have lots of power, so why don't they demonstrate all that power and make the fires stop?

14022180_10153926897283741_1982747243800606865_n.jpg
The Lord does whatever pleases him,
in the heavens and on the earth,
in the seas and all their depths.
— Psalm 135:6
But our God is in the heavens;
He does whatever He pleases.
— Psalm 115:3
Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out! Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor? Who has ever given to God, that God should repay them? For from him and through him and for him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.
— Romans 11:33-36
Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.” Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.” But as it is, you boast in your arrogance; all such boasting is evil.
— James 4:13-16

The Gospel message is all about God rescuing us from sin and death-it's about Jesus Christ dying on the cross to pay the penalty for our sins. The Gospel message is not about us "becoming the Gospel," trying to take dominion over the earth, and "declaring and decreeing" that God must do whatever we want Him to do. -Steven Kozar

The following video is what happens when Word of Faith teaching is really taken to its logical conclusion by someone who seems to believe it; the fire doubled in size within 24 hours of this video:

 

The marketing geniuses at Bill Johnson's publishing company, Destiny Image, sent out this advertising email on July 31, 2018:

Here's an article from Bill Johnson on August 10th as the fires continue to ravage California:

 

 


The "Bethel Board"-Encounter God With This New Game! (No, it's NOT a Ouija Board, You Religious Pharisee)

(Please read this entire article)

We all know how important it is to have massive encounters with God, right? Well, now it can be fun, too! Introducing the brand new board game from Bethel Church in Redding, California: "The Bethel Board!" (And it's just in time for Christmas!)

BethelBoard.jpeg

Since the prophet Kris Vallotton decided that "Christian Tarot Cards" were okay (as long as we call them "Destiny Cards") we are now free to welcome any Occult, New Age, or fortunetelling practices into the church and into our living rooms! Imagine all the fun you'll have as you get direct downloads from the Third Heaven! With this spiritual-but-not-religious new board game, you'll be just like Bill Johnson himself (and without his vacuous, rambling and incoherent speeches to spoil all the fun).

And don't keep all the fun to yourself, invite your pagan friends over to play the game so they can get a "reading" on their "destiny!" They'll never know you're a Christian! What a great way to reach the lost with the message of Destiny, Presence Therapy, Dream Interpretation and Relationship Alignment.

For all of you narrow-minded people who think this is just a re-packaged Ouija board, you have nothing to fear because this game draws from the same divine energy of the Christ spirit, as ancient followers did and it operates only out of the third heaven realm to gain insight and revelation. Don't worry, Bethel Board encounters coming from the third heaven realm bring lasting life transformation and guidance! 

So pick up this supernaturally exciting new game at your local Christian Bookstore today!

 


This whole article is fake, it's a crazy over-the-top satire piece. Or is it really "over-the-top?"

The language used in this article comes from Bethel Church and from Christalignment.org, in fact, the last paragraph simply inserts "Bethel board" into sentences taken word for word from the home page of Christalignment (note the bottom two paragraphs):

 

The people at Christalignment are serious about going undercover so they can use Destiny Card readings to tell people their "Destiny" (and not preach the Gospel of Jesus Christ). Here are some examples from the Christalignment website:

 

Christalignment and Bethel Church teach the same things! Here's a story written by a student of Bethel's "School of Supernatural Ministry" where students are encouraged to operate undercover at New Age/Psychic  fairs: Are You More Religious Than Jesus?

Here's a screenshot of the article:

25579019_10156042782249669_2052120407_o.png

Global Awakening, which was founded by Randy Clark (a very close friend of Bill Johnson and Bethel) produced a movie called Witch City that features their students doing exactly the same thing as Christalignment:

I used to preach Christ and Him crucified for sinners, but now I do readings on people so I can tell them their destiny.
— NOT a Real Apostle from the Holy Bible

"Leviathan Spirit"-Biting Satire Aimed at LeClaire's "Sneaky Squid" Fails to Hit Target

816px-122.The_Destruction_of_Leviathan.jpg

Satirical writer, R. Loren Sandford, has tried to grab people's attention with another over-the-top article at CharismaMag.com, and this time he's set his sights on the writings of fellow Charisma writer (and former Senior Editor), Jennifer LeClaire. Unfortunately, it appears the gullible readers of this online magazine have failed to see the biting humor, and might actually believe this to be useful information:

Block the Leviathan Spirit's Deadly Attacks With This Spiritual Insight

Sandford begins his article by saying this:

"Recently, at a national level, as well as in the church, we have suffered an attack of the Leviathan spirit. Before you get too mystical about all that, understand that Leviathan is a metaphorical reference Scripture draws from the image of a great serpentine sea creature. It describes a spirit that works to twist words and perceptions in order to disrupt and destroy the people of God."

Being the clever writer that he is, Sandford then goes on to disprove his previous paragraph, by showing that the few Bible passages that even mention Leviathan at all make no claims about it being a dangerous spirit-being. 

In his provocative prose, (surely intended as a literary jab at LeClaire) Sandford begins to write about Leviathan as a metaphorical device and then gradually confuses the reader by turning it into an actual being-exactly the kind of mystical mumbo-jumbo that Jennifer LeClaire propagates! Check out these crazy quotes from Sandford:

  • "In recent days, Leviathan has been at work in the body of Christ, as well as in the realm of government and society."
  • "Incredibly difficult to dislodge, Leviathan feeds on pride, the assertion, first, that we are "right" in our perceptions and judgments and, second, that we are so holy, loving and in touch with God as to be immune to its influence."
  • "Let us reject this poisonous, twisting serpent, pray it out of our lives and fellowships and stand on the principles of the kingdom of God in glory."

See how Sandford has demonstrated the total confusion that permeates the modern "prophetic" movement? It seems like every other article on CharismaMag.com is about some newly discovered demon, monster or secret "prophetic" something-or-other...

Sandford has written many of these silly and far-fetched articles in an attempt to show how far from Biblical Christianity these readers have strayed. Previous articles like "How to Discern Truth Amid a Sea of False Prophesies" and "Flood of Aberrant Doctrines Endangering True Faith" are bold, self-refuting satire articles intended to demonstrate the incoherence of having such articles alongside Charisma Magazine's constant flow of false prophets, misguided amateurs, and "Christian" fortune-tellers. 

Sadly, Sandford's clever use of satire was just too subtle, and it remains doubtful that CharismaMag.com readers will understand his intended meaning, which is this:

Charisma Magazine has abandoned Biblical Christianity in favor of publishing the vain imaginations of fallible people who spout nonsense in order to tickle itching ears and draw attention away from the true and unchanging Gospel message of Jesus Christ. 

That's a great message, so keep trying Mr. Sandford, and maybe next time you'll finally get through to these people!

"Pastor" David Hughes Gives Outrageous Parody Sermon But Everyone Still Believes Him!

I_Heart_Pop_Crowd_Pleaser.gif

"I really thought it would work this time but I was wrong. I mean, seriously, just listen to my vacant and pathetic rambling for ten or twenty minutes and you'll see that this is pure satire! Oh well, I guess I'll have to keep on trying," said famous parody "Pastor" David Hughes from Church by the Glades. He tried his best to give a ridiculous, over-the-top and exaggerated "Seeker-Friendly" speech as a form of instructive satire, but it appears that his audience failed to get the point, in spite of cringe-worthy statements like... 

  • "Jesus leveraged popular culture, his presentation was remarkable!"
  • "God wants to get all up in your stuff!"
  • "Fun is cool! I don't apologize for fun, I think church should be fun, in Jesus name!"
  • "Here's why we leverage popular culture, here's why we speak into culture, here's why we use things other churches won't use: It's Biblical."
  •  "When we use pop culture in church we're just ripping off Jesus."
Screen Shot 2017-10-13 at 11.10.40 AM.png

Hughes even went so far as to put the words CHURCH SHOULD BE FUN in bright lights on the two-story backdrop of his megachurch, hoping that the glaring idiocy would be too obvious to ignore. No one can blame him for making a valiant effort; he pummeled relentlessly for forty minutes in a bizarre collection of scripture-twisting, bad argumentation, a gross mischaracterization of Jesus being a crowd-pleasing communicator who attracted a large audience because he "wasn't boring," and even ending with a megachurch cliche: a manipulative story to try and justify his self-refuting spectacle. Yet, he was unable to get his point across about the dangers of the church becoming a parody of itself as it panders to the surrounding culture. "If I continue foisting these outrageous satires onto my church, I hope that eventually the people will notice that the true Jesus who died in our place to become the Savior of the world is clearly absent," said Hughes.

Although Hughes claimed to value "Jesus and the Bible" above everything else, he made his own ideas the focus of the entire speech instead of the Bible, and only referred to Jesus in little snippets, where he made it sound like Jesus was the Pop Star of his day. After Hughes did everything he could think of to be self-refuting, even using "I Heart (love) Pop" as the title of his sermon series, his parishioners still thought he was giving a biblical sermon. 

 "I was certain that jumping up and down on a gigantic couch would have done the trick last year, but this time I tried a different approach," said Hughes in an exclusive interview with Pirate Christian Media, "this time I went ahead and gave every stupid and far-fetched reason why an entertaining spectacle can be a viable substitute for an actual worship service. These people still think my thinly-disguised satire was real. I have to admit, I'm not too happy about this."

Hughes went on to say that he had more "sermons" to "preach" in this parody series, and he remained hopeful that his bombastic and ridiculous motivational speeches will eventually open the eyes of the nearly 10,000 listeners he reaches every week.   
 


The "Disney-fication" of the Church Youtube video by BezelT3

Kenneth Copeland Reveals His TRUE Identity!

KennethCopelandACTOR.jpg

After decades of portraying a filthy-rich televangelist who bamboozles people out of their money, Kenneth Copeland has begun a new acting role: He's now portraying a scary, domineering, power-hungry, gangster instead of portraying his usual character: a scary, domineering, power-hungry, preacher.

Some entertainment critics are complaining that he's portraying the exact same character, except that the new character has a drug-lord/Cuban-type of accent instead of his former Texan-type accent, where the letter "s" is always pronounced as "sh." The important thing to understand is that no matter which character he plays, he is first and foremost an actor.

Watch this trailer to see him in his exciting new acting role:

The director for this new movie, Charles Flickburger, said that Copeland proved himself to be a versatile and competent actor. One problem that Flickburger noted, however, was the copious amount of makeup needed to cover up Copeland's cavernous, almost reptilian face. "We had a pretty good budget for pancake makeup," said Flickburger, "but we went three times over that budget in the first two weeks! But Ken's great acting skills were worth every trip I had to make back to the drug store."

At the time of this report, it remains to be seen if Copeland will return to the small screen to continue his portrayal of the heretical, greedy egomaniac that has been the focal point of his production company, humorously called "Kenneth Copeland Ministries." According to his long-time agent, Floyd Pinc, "Mr. Copeland shows no sign of slowing down. Even though he's eighty years old, he has the spunk of a much younger man, and with a good makeup artist at his disposal, he plans to continue playing these roles for as long as his loyal fans continue to pay money to watch him perform." 


Word of Faith Superstar Kenneth Copeland Proven 100% WRONG (and Nobody Cares)

Seriously now, for a lot more information about the Word of Faith movement please check out: The Word of Faith Cornucopia of False Doctrine

A New Years Thank You Note from The Evangelical Industrial Complex

 

We would like to take a moment and thank the untold millions of Christians out there for their unwavering and mindless commitment to our Christian celebrities, perky conference speakers and megalomaniac pastors. Thank you so much for refusing to take your head out of the Evangelical sand over the past year! 

 

Because of you and your unquestioning support, we can continue to invent new catch-phrases and slogans every few years in order to sell more conference tickets, books and worthless merchandise. Our marketing people are working tirelessly behind the scenes to invent yet another profitable product disguised as "Christian literature." But let's not stop here, there's still plenty more we can do.

Working together, here's just some of what we can accomplish in the New Year:

  • We can continue to crank out motivational speech mediocrity with mega-church appeal; with all the theological depth of a one-day-only, self-help workshop run by teenage shopping mall food court attendants.
  • We can transform the transcendent and Holy God (who spoke the entire Universe into existence) into your personal assistant, life coach and dream interpreter. He doesn't mind at all!
  • We can normalize heterodoxy and heresy, and turn sound doctrine into the exception-not the rule. Remember, we determine orthodoxy; your job is to happily go along with us. You're AWESOME!
  • We can give lip service to the Bible while continuing to ignore much of what it actually says. Better yet, we can take a half verse and slap it on a coffee mug and it'll sell!

(By the way, 74.87% of our gross sales come from good old reliable Jeremiah 29:11. In this business we call it "the verse that pays." We could probably sell dirty sox if they had Jeremiah 29:11 printed on them!)

 

  • We can give lip service to those great pioneers of the faith (Luther, Calvin, Edwards, Whitefield, Wesley, etc.) while continuing to ignore much of what they actually said. Heck, nobody buys their crusty old books anyway!
  • We can continue to prop up and defend our growing staff of professional hype-monsters, marketing hacks and bloviating young egomaniacs with pastoral visions of grandeur. "Is he a pastor or is he a rock star?" As long as he can move product, who cares!!

 

  • We can continue to produce and market pulsating soft-rock musical drivel with a convincing level of polished sincerity. Moms and dads, do you think that these fresh-faced young musicians are the kind of people that should be dating your sons and daughters? You do? Good! That's all we need to sell more units and increase royalties!! 
  • In order to continually provide you with "Positive and Encouraging Music That's Safe for Your Family" we have a long list of theologically vapid, yet attractive hipster musicians waiting in the wings; ready to replace the next Christian superstar who wanders into sexual indiscretion, biblical confusion or bad pitch problems. You're welcome.

 

Thanks again for all of your support! Lets make this year even better than market analysis is currently predicting!

(By the way, if anyone has another runaway best-seller like The Prayer of Jabez, The Shack, Jesus Calling or maybe even a slightly provocative exercise DVD, please contact us so that we can buy the copyrights and send you appropriate compensation. Thank you, The Legal Team.) 

The Holy Spirit Finally Admits Reliance on Worship Band

Nashville, TN---In a rare personal appearance, the Third Person of the Trinity openly admitted that He is often unsure of when to make an appearance, but will simply takes His cues from the worship band. Although this revelation doesn't change the common pattern in most Evangelical churches, since they've been confidently announcing His presence by playing their instruments for decades now, this does call into question the sovereignty of God. "I know it sounds like I'm just showing up because the music is so emotionally compelling, but believe Me, I'm still thinking for Myself. I still choose to be there... sort of." said the Holy Spirit in a slightly agitated tone. 

Popular worship leader and Christian celebrity, Triss Comlin was not at all surprised by this news, saying, "I've been able to make that guy show up every time I play-I'm glad He's finally owning up to it. Hey, it's okay, Holy Spirit, we're a team! He's got nothing to apologize for, as far as I'm concerned."

 

Other more traditional church leaders were disappointed at what many of them consider favoritism on the part of God Almighty. "We've got a perfectly good, recently restored pipe organ, a theologically sound hymnal and lectionary; yet we are getting overlooked by The Holy Ghost, Sunday after Sunday. Why?" said Pastor I. M. Olde, the coordinator of the Liturgical Lutheran Church Worship Committee.

 

In a display of uninitiated enthusiasm, the Holy Spirit admitted a fondness for Gibson Les Paul guitars played thru tube-driven amplifiers utilizing true-bypass overdrive pedals. "The Full-Drive 2 cranked into a class B amplifier-it just doesn't get better than that! I'm old school, but I also like some of the looping patterns these kids are doing nowadays." He refused to state His opinion, however, when questioned about the use of digital delay, saying, "I'm not going to cause division in the body of Christ-we must allow room for both digital and analog to co-exist."

To further explain His position and silence the naysayers, the Holy Spirit concluded by saying this, "Look, all three Persons of the Godhead are doing the best they can, and for Me, personally, it just makes sense to go with the flow. I used to have trouble trying to figure out when I should show up; but now I hear those sweet rock licks and-boom-I'm there! If you've got a problem with that well... I guess you're just too religious. No further questions."

Andy Stanley: "We Will Launch Our Satellite Churches Into Outer Space"

Mega-church superstar pastor Andy Stanley has made, perhaps, the most giant leap forward in modernizing the contemporary Evangelical church-he's taking the term "satellite church" literally.

"We will move all of our satellite campus locations into outer-space over the next 3 years," said Stanley in a multi-site satellite video announcement this past Sunday. 

  Proposed plan for North Point satellite churches

Proposed plan for North Point satellite churches

"The church has to stop using confusing terms from the past, and I want our church to be literal when we use the word satellite-otherwise, that word needs to go away." said the pastor, author and church growth expert.  

This news from Andy Stanley shouldn't be too surprising to those already familiar with his forward-thinking leadership. When asked in a 2006 interview if churches should stop referring to pastors as shepherds he said this: 

"Absolutely. That word needs to go away. Jesus talked about shepherds because there was one over there in a pasture he could point to. But to bring in that imagery today and say, "Pastor, you're the shepherd of the flock," no. I've never seen a flock. I've never spent five minutes with a shepherd. It was culturally relevant in the time of Jesus, but it's not culturally relevant any more. Nothing works in our culture with that model except this sense of the gentle, pastoral care. Obviously that is a face of church ministry, but that's not leadership." (Yes, he really did say this.)

So, in Andy Stanley's never-ending drive to be updated and modern, it only makes sense for North Point Ministries to turn satellite churches into actual satellite churches.

When questioned about the estimated $97 billion cost of moving these satellite churches into outer space, Andy Stanley said he's been getting "very useful fund-raising advice" from Joel Osteen and is certain that "with God's help, we can be an effective tool for leading the church into the future-and into outer space."

Benny Hinn Waves Jacket at Hospital-Instantly Heals Everyone

In a display of great ingenuity and faith, Benny Hinn waived his jacket at a hospital yesterday and healed all of the patients inside. "I don't know why I didn't think of this years ago!" said the world famous Revivalist and controversial Faith Healer. "I will continue to conduct my crusades around the world, since that is my primary source of income, but this new method of healing will be implemented whenever time allows," said Hinn, who was vacationing in the French Riviera when the new hospital idea came to him in a dream.

In a televised statement (complete with emotional background music that appeals to the over-50 crowd) Hinn explained how this all came about:

God said to me, "Benny, why don't you go to the local hospital and heal all the sick people inside?" and I said, "Lord, I just never thought of that before," and God said, "I want you to use the great healing power that I've given you to actually start healing people," and I say to God, "Why me Lord? What if it doesn't work? And what if it does work and all the staff members at the hospital get mad at me for taking away their customers?" And God responded, "Do as I have told you. I will deal with your detractors." So, who am I to question God, right? So I said, "Okay God, I'll do it, but I still need to bring in those buckets full of cash in order to maintain my luxurious and extravagant lifestyle," and God told me, "I know Benny, I know. If you heal hospitals full of actual sick people for free, I promise that your money-making Miracle Crusades can continue to pilfer the ignorant masses for years to come. Is it a deal?" and I said, "Yes Lord, yes!"

Mr. Hinn then pulled away in his gold-plated Ferrari, but was later spotted at the local Neiman Marcus where he reportedly purchased an over-sized Bible cover made of hand-stitched mink and rattlesnake skin.



Rick Warren Plays "Candle In The Wind" on Miniature Piano As Elton John Looks On

In a display of inter-faith dialogue and world peace, Evangelical superstar pastor Rick Warren began unexpectedly performing Elton John's famous ballad "Candle in the Wind" on a miniature piano as the rock star, vocalist and songwriter sat next to him. Although Warren played the song flawlessly, it appeared to have no effect on the world famous pop star, who was in the middle of saying something really important. 

Afterwards, Sir Elton was over-heard saying to a bystander "Why did he do that? Does anybody know?" 

After repeated attempts for an interview with pastor Warren, we were given no direct reply, but were, instead, sent a link to the PDF version of "A Purpose Driven Life."

 

Undaunted by the unenthusiastic Elton John, Warren was found later that night playing a striking version of "Pinball Wizard" in the hotel lobby where Elton was staying.