Anointed Cake Saves Gay, Atheist, Bar Owner Says Lance Wallnau

What should you do if you know a gay atheist who owned a bar and has a severe chip on his shoulder about Christianity? Most Christians within the bounds of orthodoxy would suggest praying for him, sharing scripture, and inviting him to church. But when you're a nutty seven mountains mandate guru entrenched in the NAR, you might suggest praying over a cake, potentially expecting God to use it as a means of grace.

Listen to Lance Wallnau, seven mountains mandate guru, and major NAR influencer share a testimony about an apparent gay atheist bar owner who was converted through an anointed cake.

You can view the nuttiness in its entirety here.

Listen to Chris Rosebrough talk about this theological train wreck on this episode of Fighting for the Faith: "Anointed Cake That Cures Homosexuality?"

Exorcism by Zerbert? Is "Prophetess" Mattie Nottage Zerberting Demons?

It's possible "prophetess" Mattie Nottage may be zerberting demons, something potentially learned by watching The Cosby Show. (You can watch the scene here if you do not have a frame of reference for the zerbert.) Here are clips from a recent exorcism video she released.

It's hard to discern if she's actually making the zerbert noises or if those were edited in for dramatic effect. This "exorcism" is more about drawing attention to the false prophetess, than it is about setting someone free from demons. 

Here is the disaster in unedited long-form.

Customized Blasphemy - "Apostle" Kelly's Customized Holy Ghost White Cadillac

In scripture Paul wrote of his struggles as an apostle. He described how he hungered, thirsted, was poorly dressed, buffeted, and homeless (1 Corinthians 4:11). Apostle John P. Kelly has a much different experience.

Biblical apostles reference the Holy Ghost in relation to the things of salvation. False super apostles view the third person of the Trinity as an amazing adjective to describe the paint color on their customized Cadillac.

A few days before the customized blasphemy post, "apostle" Kelly posted what looked to be a rebuke to modern day "apostles".

I can't see real apostles using the Holy Ghost as an adjective for a customized Cadillac paint color. On the other hand, I can see money grubbing, glory seeking "apostles" doing such a thing.

Visual Proof That Modern Churches are (Much) Better

 

Wanna see a bunch of neanderthals living in the dark ages? Click through these photos and look at these silly old churches having old-fashioned worship services:

(Pretty embarrassing, isn't it??)

 

 

But now, take a look at these modern church services. THIS is what works! THIS is how you accurately and reverently worship the sovereign God of the universe!

(The following are all real snippets of modern Evangelical "worship services" from their own YouTube channels) 

 


You're Not a Christian If You Dislike the Shack?

Did you know the litmus test for your very salvation could now be based on if you like or dislike The Shack?

Donald Woods, the Chief Spiritual Officer of The R Factor Ministries said on Facebook that perceptions of The Shack have created a new dividing line. (The quote below is reformatted for ease of reading; although it's still pretty incoherent and full of odd capitalizations.)

THE SHACK:

We are in a Season of many Dividing Lines in the Sand [that same Sand that Jesus drew a Line in when People wanted to stone a Prostitute].

This Movie is one of those dividing lines! It reminds me of the United States Election; people strongly poised on one side or the other! One of the most illuminating observations in these latest seasons is how the Church is being divided into Two Categories:

1) The Religious, living by the Letter of the Law that Kills.

2) The Relational, living by the Spirit that gives Life. It reminds me of the TWO PENTECOSTS:

The First Covenant Pentecost, fifty days after the Passover, God gave the People the Law written on Stone, at Mount Sinai - Three Thousand People Died!

The Second Covenant Pentecost, fifty days after the Cross, God poured out His Spirit in the Upper Room, at Mount Zion - Three Thousand People Received Eternal Life! The Letter of the Law Kills, but the Spirit gives Life!

Now, if you are RELIGIOUS (meaning you live by the Letter over the Spirit) you will probably not like the Movie “The Shack”.

If you are RELATIONAL (meaning that your walk with God is built on a Personal Intimate Relationship) you will probably Love this Movie! For those who want a glimpse of the Unseen World of the Trinity - Father, Son, & Holy Spirit, this movie gives you a Visual of how they can interrelate in your life while here on Earth.

I personally Love how this movie is based on “All Good Things come Down from the Father of Lights,” and we are the Lights! The Foundation of this Movie is built on the Goodness of God, as a Loving Father, and that Nothing can Separate us from the Love of God! Also how Healing comes through Forgiveness - God wants to Heal what we are willing to Reveal.

I Learned from this Movie, that I am not the Judge, and that God is, and that I need to be looking at People from His Perspective, which is Heaven’s Perspective; then participating in bringing Heaven to Earth!

This Posting is not a Judgement, it is an Observation, you can decide what side of the Line you are on - that is between You and God. God is Love, and that Love at its highest Form, will break open any Shell that tries to keep us Imprisoned!
I personally recommend this Movie to see as many times as you can, because there are many Spiritual Layers that God can Speak through, that can be Unraveled or Revealed to our Hearts!
— Donald Woods

Donald Woods is very clear in his dividing line. If you like The Shack, then you're living on the side of the dividing line which lives according to the Spirit. We know scripture clearly tells us in Romans 8:9 that if someone does not have the Spirit, they do not belong to God.

You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him.
— Romans 8:9 (ESV)

The implications of this new dividing line are weighty, whether he understands the implications or not. Who knew so much hinged on your perception of one movie?

Lance Wallnau, the NAR "Seven Mountains" guru gave the post from Woods some credibility on Facebook.

So, Donald Woods is not judging you, but... if you don't like The Shack you're judgmental, religious and living by the "letter" and not by the "Spirit." What that phrase is distorted to mean is this: "Don't get too fussy about following the Bible, instead you should live by the Spirit." This is a complete misunderstanding of living by the Spirit; it's a way of saying that charismatic Christians have a more direct line straight to God that "regular" Christians don't have. "Regular" Christians only have the Bible according to this teaching, but "Spirit lead" (charismatic) Christians don't have much need for the Bible, because they have direct access to God through their feelings, impressions and experiences. So these "Spirit lead" Christians (who claim to have an intimate, personal relationship with Jesus) end up promoting this very unbiblical book: The Shack. Read about how William Paul Young has proven his great disdain for the Bible and Christianity itself in his brand new book: "Lies We Believe About God."

These "super spiritual" Christians have proven that they don't really believe and trust in God's Word, so they will gladly accept another book that tickles their ears with half-truths and outright blasphemy. Read more about this: Shocking Stuff You're Not Supposed to Know!!


Bible 2: Volume 1 - Hail to the King of the Jews, Baby!

Blasphemy has a name and that name is Bible 2.

Claiming to be the long-awaited sequel to the Bible this is so blasphemous it is hard to express our disdain without sinning. But we're still trying to figure out why Jesus is firing machines guns while riding my little pony. 

We're pretty sure some of the Seeker-Sensual Vision-Casting Leaders are getting their doctrine from this comic book. Makes sense if you think about it. If you think you can just make up your own personal Jesus then pretty much anything goes. 

Yes this is a real product that is really for sale.

Yes this is a real product that is really for sale.

"Pastor" Ed Young, Jr. Skips Around the Stage as Adults Applaud

This is one of the biggest "pastors" in America. This is not satire. This was part of a horrible sermon series. Listen to Chris Rosebrough discuss this on this episode of Fighting for the Faith.

In case you're thinking, "Well at least he's getting people to come to church..." you need to read this:

The Seeker-Friendly, Purpose-Driven Cornucopia of False Teaching

Shack Author Shares His New Age Mystical Side

Here's a conference where only three people will be speaking (one of them is William Paul Young):

Trinity: The Soul of Creation

Here's a description of what they'll be talking about from their home page:

"Belief in a Trinitarian God is not primarily a Christian theological revelation as much as it is a metaphor for the nature of reality, both seen and unseen.

We find the pattern of dynamic relationship in the very structure of the atom, in our families, in ecosystems and economies. It is a pattern of mutual giving and receiving: in a word, Love. If Trinity is the model for Creation (Genesis 1:26-27), then it is a relational, benevolent universe.

Rohr, Bourgeault, and Young believe the Trinity—fully experienced and enjoyed—has the capacity to change everything. We already participate within this dance whether we realize it or not. But when we consciously engage in loving communion, we open ourselves to being transformed at the deepest levels.

We hope you leave with an entirely different way of knowing yourself and the world. Our teachers offer not mere information but wisdom that has implications for theology, psychology, science, and politics."

Does this sound like Christianity or some kind of New Age Mysticism? Here's a description of the speakers:

"Richard Rohr is a Franciscan priest of the New Mexico Province. He is the founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation and academic dean of the CAC’s Living School in Albuquerque, New Mexico. An internationally recognized author and spiritual leader, Fr. Richard teaches primarily on incarnational mysticism, non-dual consciousness, and contemplation, with a particular emphasis on how these affect the social justice issues of our time."

"Cynthia Bourgeault is a modern day mystic, Episcopal priest, writer, and internationally recognized retreat leader. Cynthia divides her time between solitude at her seaside hermitage in Maine and traveling globally to teach the Christian contemplative and Wisdom path. A long-time advocate of Centering Prayer, Cynthia has worked closely with Thomas Keating and Bruno Barnhart."

 

Here's how William Paul Young is described:

"Wm Paul Young is author of the best-selling novel, The Shack. In this innovative, yet true-to-Scripture exploration of Trinity, Paul wrestles with the timeless question, “Where is God in a world of suffering and pain?” Paul has “the imagination of a writer and the passion of a theologian,” as Eugene Peterson says. His recent work of fiction, Eve, offers breathtaking discoveries that challenge traditional beliefs about who we are and how we’re made, helping us see each other as our Creator does—complete, unique, and not constrained by cultural rules or limitations."

 

These are certainly very nice people who sincerely believe what they believe, but it's obvious that they are not having a Christian conference; this is a complete departure from Biblical Christianity. Yet, Young's book The Shack, and it's companion movie is considered "must-see" and "must-read" by many Evangelical Christians. 

Here's more information about The Shack:

Shack Ebola Virus Outbreak 2 (Fighting for the Faith with more links)

Podcast: Marcia Montenegro Talks with Steve About the Shack (Messed Up Church Podcast with more links)

The Shack Movie Review by Pastor Ted Giese

 

Galatians 1:6-9  “I am amazed that you are so quickly deserting Him who called you by the grace of Christ, for a different gospel; which is really not another; only there are some who are disturbing you and want to distort the gospel of Christ. But even if we, or an angel from heaven, should preach to you a gospel contrary to what we have preached to you, he is to be accursed! As we have said before, so I say again now, if any man is preaching to you a gospel contrary to what you received, he is to be accursed!

Shocking Stuff You're Not Supposed to Know!

"A Transformational Oil Spill Is Coming" Says Charisma Magazine

It appears that Charisma Magazine might be trying to compete with The Babylon Bee:

Prophecy: A Transformational Oil Spill is Coming

Maybe Dawn Hill, who wrote this strange little article, went and saw Heidi Baker last year:

Heidi Baker: "I Wanna Live an Oily Life!"

We here at Pirate Christian Media are READY FOR THE OIL SPILL!!!

Life is Too Short for Boring Sex

Heath Mooneyham of Ignite "Church" has good news to tell the world. Unfortunately it has nothing to do with Jesus Christ and Him crucified for our sins. The good news that Mooneyham has to share is that Communication + Commitment = Intimacy and that equation is the secret to overcoming boring sex. We had no idea that one of the fruit of the Spirit is 'spicy sex' and the reason we were unaware of that is because the Bible doesn't teach this.

"The Sexy Gimmick Apostle"-Jeremy Gibbons Goes Full Throttle Sex in the City

Self described "apostle" Jeremy Gibbons has decided to go full throttle "Sex in the City", as he dresses down the taboo topic of sex for the month of February.

God apparently needs help and manmade additions to the means he's given to the church for the conversion of the unregenerate. The first apostles were not aware of the need for sexy gimmicks, so good thing "apostle" Gibbons came along to be God's wingman.

Sex Doesn't Have to Be Grey?!?

If you love sex then you're in for a real treat this weekend at Ignite "Church".  Heath Mooneyham, the pastor who was busted for a DUI and restored to ministry in a few short weeks, will be teaching everyone at Ignite how sex doesn't have to be grey.

Below is Ignite's promo video and Facebook post for the sermon. Note: they want people to share this video with their unsaved friends so they'll come to church on Sunday so that Mooneyham can teach them about sex.

Pastor Dykstra Will Teach You How to Date, Mate and Procreate

Eric Dykstra, the vision-casting leader of The Crossing Church will be teaching the people at The Crossing how to date, mate and procreate. Oh goody.... :-/

One has to wonder if Dykstra is an expert on dating, mating and procreating (we pray the sermons aren't illustrated). One thing is certain, he's no expert on rightly handling God's Word and preaching Christ. Here's the promo video that The Crossing put together for this "ground breaking" sermon series.

Warning: You can never unsee this video once you watch it.

i-cant-12lj75.jpg

Dream Wild Mashup: Prophetic Words, Songs and Declarations by Jennifer LeClaire

This is NOT satire, this is real:

Jennifer LeClaire is actually trying to sell CDs of this useless "prophetic" drivel, accompanied by some music. Her website says this: "This is a CD of prophetic words, sounds and decrees that defy impossibilities." Huh? Wouldn't it have been more honest to say: "This is a CD of various catch-phrases and slogans, accompanied by music. Jennifer LeClaire wants more money."

Real musicians are often making their entire albums available for FREE on various music websites, like Bandcamp and Soundcloud; but Jennifer puts this video of short samples on YouTube, without allowing anyone to hear the whole thing. Wait... this CD is a prophetic "word from God" but you need to send LeClaire $15.00 if you want to hear it?? 

No thanks, Jennifer, we've got the actual Word of God.

Training Creative Goat Herders - C3 Conference 2017

It's that time of year for C3 (Creative Church Conference), or maybe better described as "Training for Creative Goat Herders". Their promotional videos gives us a sense of the unsavory flavor they're about to release. Note the Word of Faith declaring and decreeing (really just shouting) by Steven Furtick:

Some quotes from the video.

"Church should be the most creative entity in the universe."

"Hearing from God, allowing God to use your uniqueness in your context, to communicate His glorious Gospel."

What does the emphasis on creativity and uniqueness confess?

Relying on "creativity" and "uniqueness" (buzzwords for stagecraft) is an outright confession that the word and sacraments that God gave his church are not enough. No one will come right out and admit the obvious belief system that's being demonstrated here:

"If you want to attract a big crowd, you've gotta put on a big show."

Jesus instructed Peter to feed his sheep in John 21:17. Matthew 25:32-33 tells us Jesus will separate the sheep from the goats.

These Christian leaders are being taught how to entertain goats, not feed the sheep.


Pastor Spanks Himself for the Super Bowl and Other Silly Stuff

Apparently, most men are ignorant brutes who won't come to church unless it's turned into a spectacle of stupidity. At least this "church" seems to think so...

Has your pastor ever publicly spanked himself before getting up to preach? If you attend Crossroads Church you can answer in the affirmative.

Crossroads Church held their Super Bowl of preaching, and of course they had a major supply of worthless nonsense. The self-spanking pastor was only the beginning.

They bragged that the church service was rowdy and offensive. They had a "family friendly" sex joke and pun, and even talked about junk in the trunk. Check out the animated gifs below just so you too can experience the worthless nonsense.

You can watch the worst of the worst below, including the self-spanking pastoral entrance, sex joke and pun, junk in the trunk, other antics, and even the pastor asking why people don't want to be associated with Evangelicals. Hmm. . . I wonder why?

If you really want to, you can watch most of the entire service.

This is a followup entry on a previous entry about their Super Bowl of Preaching gimmick. Yet another entry that does not need further commentary.

...in all things show yourself to be an example of good deeds, with purity in doctrine, dignified, sound in speech which is beyond reproach, so that the opponent will be put to shame, having nothing bad to say about us.
— Titus 2: 7-8

Church Is Irreverent Spectator Sport Shamelessly Admits Crossroads Church

On Superbowl Sunday, Crossroads Church is having a preaching competition titled "Mingo vs. Tome." They're being incredibly honest about the event. They're admitting it's an irreverent, schticky thing meant to turn church into a spectator sport. 

Like any megachurch gimmick they have created a promotional video.

Also, the obligatory promotional photos.

Crosspromo4.jpg

In 2016 they had a halftime show.

Church as a non-boring, irreverent, schticky spectator sport. Should this really surprise us from a church using a disposable coffee cup as their main brand image? I mean instead of something like a bible or cross?

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.
— Galatians 1: 10
I solemnly charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by His appearing and His kingdom: preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort, with great patience and instruction. For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but wanting to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance to their own desires, and will turn away their ears from the truth and will turn aside to myths.
— 2 Timothy 4: 1-4

Las Vegas Rooster Ushers in Cock Crowing Watch 2017 - Chuck Pierce

Did you know we're in the beginning of a Cock Crowing Watch right here in February of 2017? Would you be shocked it was ushered in by a rooster Chuck Pierce saw while he was in Las Vegas? 

If you're shocked, you obviously don't know the ramblings of Chuck Pierce. Apparently Chuck was ministering in Vegas and saw some lanterns and roosters.

 

 

Thank you for praying for me this past month. My schedule was very demanding, but the Lord has showed Himself strong at every turn. While I was ministering in Las Vegas, I noticed the lanterns and the roosters. I then realized that in the Chinese culture, this is the year of the rooster. I said to Lord, “Is there anything I need to see in this?” He immediately spoke to me and said, “This is the time for the ‘COCK CROWING WATCH’! There are certain demonic forces that can only be displaced by doing this watch.
— Chuck Pierce

This is another, in an endless chain of life restoration schemes dreamt up in the vain imaginations of false prophets like Chuck Pierce. Over and over again, something really important comes down the prophetic pipeline, and everyone is supposed to pay attention to the latest "word from God." If these restoration schemes actually worked, there would never be a need for another restoration scheme.

 

The Spirit of God is saying, “Do not be afraid to go back down to that place where you were held in the valley. The valley, or the place where you have had confined vision, is losing its strength. I have a people that are getting ready to journey and come up to the place of ‘seeing’ where I reveal Myself in a new way. Not only will you see Me, but you will see your desires upon your enemy. If you will go back to the valley, you will find what was captured and the treasures that have been hidden.
— Chuck Pierce
Truly the power of My Name is at hand. The gifts in you that have lain dormant will arise as you ascend with Me, and you will have the power to RECOVER ALL.
— Chuck Pierce

Chuck Pierce is a failed prophet. He keeps broken and hurting people addicted to his false prophecies by promising restorations that never come true. Gambling your money away in Vegas is unwise, and gambling your hopes on this false prophecy ushered in by a rooster in Vegas is just silly.

Even though he's a failed prophet, he has climbed the ladder in the kingdom of the NAR's lunacy. In August of 2010, C. Peter Wagner, the pope of the NAR for all intents and purposes, handed over control of Global Harvest Ministries to Chuck Pierce. Instead of continuing GHM, Pierce started Global Spheres, Inc. (GSI), "a new wineskin for apostolic alignment." Chuck is described as the president of this new apostolic wineskin incorporation. He is an incoherent, babbling man. He is not an Apostle. 

This is Peter Wagner with a very important and exciting message. On my 80th birthday, August 15, 2010, I officially turned GHM over to Chuck Pierce of Denton, Texas. Instead of continuing GHM, Chuck organized Global Spheres, Inc. (GSI), a new wineskin for apostolic alignment which will carry Doris and me into the future. Chuck is President and I am Apostolic Ambassador. As a part of this transition, we have closed the GHM website, and transferred our material to the GSI website. Please click on Global Spheres and you will now find what used to be on GHM website.
May God bless you and prosper you in every way!

C. Peter Wagner, Apostolic Ambassador
Global Spheres, Inc.
— C. Peter Wagner

Chuck Pierce appears to be the leader of the NAR. So the head of all of the apostles is now receiving "prophetic" messages that are triggered by roosters he sees in Las Vegas. Do we really need to say more?