"A Transformational Oil Spill Is Coming" Says Charisma Magazine

It appears that Charisma Magazine might be trying to compete with The Babylon Bee:

Prophecy: A Transformational Oil Spill is Coming

Maybe Dawn Hill, who wrote this strange little article, went and saw Heidi Baker last year:

Heidi Baker: "I Wanna Live an Oily Life!"

We here at Pirate Christian Media are READY FOR THE OIL SPILL!!!

Life is Too Short for Boring Sex

Heath Mooneyham of Ignite "Church" has good news to tell the world. Unfortunately it has nothing to do with Jesus Christ and Him crucified for our sins. The good news that Mooneyham has to share is that Communication + Commitment = Intimacy and that equation is the secret to overcoming boring sex. We had no idea that one of the fruit of the Spirit is 'spicy sex' and the reason we were unaware of that is because the Bible doesn't teach this.

"The Sexy Gimmick Apostle"-Jeremy Gibbons Goes Full Throttle Sex in the City

Self described "apostle" Jeremy Gibbons has decided to go full throttle "Sex in the City", as he dresses down the taboo topic of sex for the month of February.

God apparently needs help and manmade additions to the means he's given to the church for the conversion of the unregenerate. The first apostles were not aware of the need for sexy gimmicks, so good thing "apostle" Gibbons came along to be God's wingman.

Sex Doesn't Have to Be Grey?!?

If you love sex then you're in for a real treat this weekend at Ignite "Church".  Heath Mooneyham, the pastor who was busted for a DUI and restored to ministry in a few short weeks, will be teaching everyone at Ignite how sex doesn't have to be grey.

Below is Ignite's promo video and Facebook post for the sermon. Note: they want people to share this video with their unsaved friends so they'll come to church on Sunday so that Mooneyham can teach them about sex.

Pastor Dykstra Will Teach You How to Date, Mate and Procreate

Eric Dykstra, the vision-casting leader of The Crossing Church will be teaching the people at The Crossing how to date, mate and procreate. Oh goody.... :-/

One has to wonder if Dykstra is an expert on dating, mating and procreating (we pray the sermons aren't illustrated). One thing is certain, he's no expert on rightly handling God's Word and preaching Christ. Here's the promo video that The Crossing put together for this "ground breaking" sermon series.

Warning: You can never unsee this video once you watch it.

i-cant-12lj75.jpg

Dream Wild Mashup: Prophetic Words, Songs and Declarations by Jennifer LeClaire

This is NOT satire, this is real:

Jennifer LeClaire is actually trying to sell CDs of this useless "prophetic" drivel, accompanied by some music. Her website says this: "This is a CD of prophetic words, sounds and decrees that defy impossibilities." Huh? Wouldn't it have been more honest to say: "This is a CD of various catch-phrases and slogans, accompanied by music. Jennifer LeClaire wants more money."

Real musicians are often making their entire albums available for FREE on various music websites, like Bandcamp and Soundcloud; but Jennifer puts this video of short samples on YouTube, without allowing anyone to hear the whole thing. Wait... this CD is a prophetic "word from God" but you need to send LeClaire $15.00 if you want to hear it?? 

No thanks, Jennifer, we've got the actual Word of God.

Training Creative Goat Herders - C3 Conference 2017

It's that time of year for C3 (Creative Church Conference), or maybe better described as "Training for Creative Goat Herders". Their promotional videos gives us a sense of the unsavory flavor they're about to release. Note the Word of Faith declaring and decreeing (really just shouting) by Steven Furtick:

Some quotes from the video.

"Church should be the most creative entity in the universe."

"Hearing from God, allowing God to use your uniqueness in your context, to communicate His glorious Gospel."

What does the emphasis on creativity and uniqueness confess?

Relying on "creativity" and "uniqueness" (buzzwords for stagecraft) is an outright confession that the word and sacraments that God gave his church are not enough. No one will come right out and admit the obvious belief system that's being demonstrated here:

"If you want to attract a big crowd, you've gotta put on a big show."

Jesus instructed Peter to feed his sheep in John 21:17. Matthew 25:32-33 tells us Jesus will separate the sheep from the goats.

These Christian leaders are being taught how to entertain goats, not feed the sheep.


Pastor Spanks Himself for the Super Bowl and Other Silly Stuff

Apparently, most men are ignorant brutes who won't come to church unless it's turned into a spectacle of stupidity. At least this "church" seems to think so...

Has your pastor ever publicly spanked himself before getting up to preach? If you attend Crossroads Church you can answer in the affirmative.

Crossroads Church held their Super Bowl of preaching, and of course they had a major supply of worthless nonsense. The self-spanking pastor was only the beginning.

They bragged that the church service was rowdy and offensive. They had a "family friendly" sex joke and pun, and even talked about junk in the trunk. Check out the animated gifs below just so you too can experience the worthless nonsense.

You can watch the worst of the worst below, including the self-spanking pastoral entrance, sex joke and pun, junk in the trunk, other antics, and even the pastor asking why people don't want to be associated with Evangelicals. Hmm. . . I wonder why?

If you really want to, you can watch most of the entire service.

This is a followup entry on a previous entry about their Super Bowl of Preaching gimmick. Yet another entry that does not need further commentary.

...in all things show yourself to be an example of good deeds, with purity in doctrine, dignified, sound in speech which is beyond reproach, so that the opponent will be put to shame, having nothing bad to say about us.
— Titus 2: 7-8

Church Is Irreverent Spectator Sport Shamelessly Admits Crossroads Church

On Superbowl Sunday, Crossroads Church is having a preaching competition titled "Mingo vs. Tome." They're being incredibly honest about the event. They're admitting it's an irreverent, schticky thing meant to turn church into a spectator sport. 

Like any megachurch gimmick they have created a promotional video.

Also, the obligatory promotional photos.

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In 2016 they had a halftime show.

Church as a non-boring, irreverent, schticky spectator sport. Should this really surprise us from a church using a disposable coffee cup as their main brand image? I mean instead of something like a bible or cross?

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.
— Galatians 1: 10
I solemnly charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by His appearing and His kingdom: preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort, with great patience and instruction. For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but wanting to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance to their own desires, and will turn away their ears from the truth and will turn aside to myths.
— 2 Timothy 4: 1-4

Las Vegas Rooster Ushers in Cock Crowing Watch 2017 - Chuck Pierce

Did you know we're in the beginning of a Cock Crowing Watch right here in February of 2017? Would you be shocked it was ushered in by a rooster Chuck Pierce saw while he was in Las Vegas? 

If you're shocked, you obviously don't know the ramblings of Chuck Pierce. Apparently Chuck was ministering in Vegas and saw some lanterns and roosters.

 

 

Thank you for praying for me this past month. My schedule was very demanding, but the Lord has showed Himself strong at every turn. While I was ministering in Las Vegas, I noticed the lanterns and the roosters. I then realized that in the Chinese culture, this is the year of the rooster. I said to Lord, “Is there anything I need to see in this?” He immediately spoke to me and said, “This is the time for the ‘COCK CROWING WATCH’! There are certain demonic forces that can only be displaced by doing this watch.
— Chuck Pierce

This is another, in an endless chain of life restoration schemes dreamt up in the vain imaginations of false prophets like Chuck Pierce. Over and over again, something really important comes down the prophetic pipeline, and everyone is supposed to pay attention to the latest "word from God." If these restoration schemes actually worked, there would never be a need for another restoration scheme.

 

The Spirit of God is saying, “Do not be afraid to go back down to that place where you were held in the valley. The valley, or the place where you have had confined vision, is losing its strength. I have a people that are getting ready to journey and come up to the place of ‘seeing’ where I reveal Myself in a new way. Not only will you see Me, but you will see your desires upon your enemy. If you will go back to the valley, you will find what was captured and the treasures that have been hidden.
— Chuck Pierce
Truly the power of My Name is at hand. The gifts in you that have lain dormant will arise as you ascend with Me, and you will have the power to RECOVER ALL.
— Chuck Pierce

Chuck Pierce is a failed prophet. He keeps broken and hurting people addicted to his false prophecies by promising restorations that never come true. Gambling your money away in Vegas is unwise, and gambling your hopes on this false prophecy ushered in by a rooster in Vegas is just silly.

Even though he's a failed prophet, he has climbed the ladder in the kingdom of the NAR's lunacy. In August of 2010, C. Peter Wagner, the pope of the NAR for all intents and purposes, handed over control of Global Harvest Ministries to Chuck Pierce. Instead of continuing GHM, Pierce started Global Spheres, Inc. (GSI), "a new wineskin for apostolic alignment." Chuck is described as the president of this new apostolic wineskin incorporation. He is an incoherent, babbling man. He is not an Apostle. 

This is Peter Wagner with a very important and exciting message. On my 80th birthday, August 15, 2010, I officially turned GHM over to Chuck Pierce of Denton, Texas. Instead of continuing GHM, Chuck organized Global Spheres, Inc. (GSI), a new wineskin for apostolic alignment which will carry Doris and me into the future. Chuck is President and I am Apostolic Ambassador. As a part of this transition, we have closed the GHM website, and transferred our material to the GSI website. Please click on Global Spheres and you will now find what used to be on GHM website.
May God bless you and prosper you in every way!

C. Peter Wagner, Apostolic Ambassador
Global Spheres, Inc.
— C. Peter Wagner

Chuck Pierce appears to be the leader of the NAR. So the head of all of the apostles is now receiving "prophetic" messages that are triggered by roosters he sees in Las Vegas. Do we really need to say more?

Pastor David Hughes Jumps Up and Down on Gigantic Couch

Is it any surprise that this ridiculous "pastor" completely mishandles the Word of God? Is it any surprise that he gives a totally Law-based motivational speech that tries to manipulate his audience into doing more? 

Listen to the sermon review on this episode of Fighting for the Faith:

Big Comfy Couch (The Sermon)

 

Here's the comedian Galagher from the 1980's:

Hmmm, does "pastor" David Hughes remind you of any another guy jumping?...

Flashing Broken Stove Clock Confirms "Rapture Powder" Dream?

Heatherlee Castro1978, an apparent Youtube prophetess believes a flashing broken clock on her stove confirmed a "Rapture Powder" dream she had.

She saw four cylinders in her dream, each having packaged powder with a label. Unable to fully interpret the meaning, she asked her viewers for help.

In her video she calls the cylinders "Elijah Powder", but also wonders if they are "Rapture Powder".

A quirky electrical problem in her residence helped her conclude that this dream was surely from God. She had her air conditioning on at the same times as her clothes dryer. That apparently triggered a fuse and she lost power, which resulted in her clock stove flashing 3:11.

That caused her to think of Revelation 3:11, and that was instant confirmation her dream was from God.

Revelation 3:11 I am coming soon. Hold fast what you have, so that no one may seize your crown.

Surely the lesson we can learn is that God can turn power outages into opportunities for him to communicate through flashing clocks on stoves? Sort of an absurd conclusion isn't it? Almost as absurd as confirming the divine origin of a dream due to a power outage and a flashing clock on the stove.

 

God "Knocked You Up" and You Might Not Know It!

In a recent post on Facebook Shawn Bolz seems to be suggesting that God has "knocked people up" and they don't know it yet.

Of course his post links to his worthless book "Keys to Heaven's Economy," so people can figure out how to get "the fruit of our womb."

The book promotion page says, "The Lord’s audible voice filled the room, introducing the angel standing before me: “Welcome the Minister of Finance for the Kingdom.”

Does the Bible mention anything about such an angel? Of course it does not.

The only thing getting "knocked up" here is your wallet.

 

By the way, Bolz displays real originality with his book title/cover:


Power of Potential to Elevate Furtick's Ego?

In a recent sermon on "The Power of Potential" at Elevation Church, Steven Furtick is seen repeatedly begging his congregation for elevation of his ego, while he also self-brags on his preaching ability.

He directed the person running the Snap Chat app to make sure  he was recording the sermon because he was "preaching pretty good". Another time Furtick lifts his head to God, and appears to be petitioning God for a crowd reaction. Furtick then begs his church to help him preach because he feels like he is at a funeral.

You will also observe Furtick asking for his audience to at least grunt in reaction to his sermon, as he makes weird gestures with his body. Furtick  continues to self-brag by reminding Elevation that he has his own church, and can pretty much say what he wants to say.

 

Later his ego appears to be deflating as he repeats to himself, "I'm helping somebody." His church had some mercy and gave some positive reinforcement.  
Then once again his ego was deflating, and he had to self sooth and repeat to himself, "I wish this was the rowdy crowd." That achieved the desired effect and his church once again elevated his ego.

In a final volley of self-aggrandizing rants that provoked his audience to a fever pitch, he brags and says, "This is the kind of preaching that will mess you up." 

Elevation Church appears to be about the elevation of Steven Furtick's ego. He brags about his preaching, begs for praise, while going back and forth on his stage. On a closing thought, speaking of the stage, take a look at the picture below and see who all four spotlights are pointing toward.

Is Jesus in the spotlight? Who is he pointing praise and attention towards repeatedly in his message? The answer is sadly obvious. 

This is a sin that can be forgiven because of what Jesus did for us on the cross. Pray that God would grant any church caught up in these antics full repentance. If you're in a position of leadership and are caught up in this nonsense, the forgiveness is for you too. Ask God to grant you repentance.

The Steven Furtick Cornucopia of False Teaching, Egomania and Hairgel

God Releases Two Witnesses from "U-Haul" Trailer

The two witnesses of Revelation 11 are named Marshall and Russell, and have been released from a U-Haul like trailer according to "Seer" Rhonda Empson.

Rhonda Empson in a recent Youtube video claimed to be a seer who is God's mouthpiece. She describes a God given dream about the releasing of the two witnesses of Revelation 11. Their names are apparently Marshall and Russell, and they've been kept hidden in a U-Haul like trailer by God.

According to Rhonda, Marshall and Russell have been released from the U-Haul by God and are now roaming  around free. A brief side note, two characters from the cartoon Paw Patrol are named Marshall and Rubble.

So it's possible that this fictional message that's for the dogs is influenced by a cartoon that has two dogs.

Does this absurd "word" from God really need further commentary?

"Amphetamine" Apostle Ryan LeStrange Worships at Altar of Innovation

The "Amphetamine" Apostle Ryan LeStrange (because he speaks as if he's always hopped up on amphetamines) worships at the idol of innovation. In a recent tirade on Facebook he ranted against the evils of the "religious" as he explained his goals as an "apostle." (The video begins with an equally frantic and meaningless "word" from Johnathan Stidham.)

LeStrange believes modern "apostles" are "breaker people." He has even created an anointing called the BAM anointing (Breaker Anointing Manifesting). He believes we must speak in a new language, use new paradigms, as we have new adventures in the spirit.

LeStrange speaks negatively of "religious" people because they like tradition and continuity. Lestrange's desire to break tradition and continuity, and innovate new paradigms and new adventures in the spirit is a huge sign he's actually not an apostle.

The New Testament speaks highly of continuity and tradition.

In Acts we see the church continuing steadfastly in the apostle's doctrine:

And they continued steadfastly in the apostles’ doctrine and fellowship, and in breaking of bread, and in prayers.
— Acts 2:42

 

2 Thessalonians instructs us to stand fast, and hold to the traditions of the apostles:

So then, brethren, stand firm and hold to the traditions which you were taught, whether by word of mouth or by letter from us.
— 2 Thessalonians 2:15

 

1 John instructs us to abide in what was heard from the beginning, and that there isn't a need for a new and innovative teaching:

As for you, let that abide in you which you heard from the beginning. If what you heard from the beginning abides in you, you also will abide in the Son and in the Father. This is the promise which He Himself made to us: eternal life. These things I have written to you concerning those who are trying to deceive you. As for you, the anointing which you received from Him abides in you, and you have no need for anyone to teach you; but as His anointing teaches you about all things, and is true and is not a lie, and just as it has taught you, you abide in Him.
— 1 John 2:24-27

 

Paul instructs Timothy to teach no other doctrine than what the apostles taught:

As I urged you when I was going to Macedonia, remain at Ephesus so that you may charge certain persons not to teach any different doctrine
— 1 Timothy 1:3

"Apostle" LeStrange proves he is anything but an apostle as he worships at the altar of innovation. Instead of holding to the continuity of the real apostles, his BAM anointing attempts to break continuity.

Our remaining sinful nature will tempt us to become bored with the unchangeable doctrines of God, This sinful bent toward boredom can tempt us to seek something new and innovative. Let's remember this temptation just leads to death as we become bound to new traditions of men. The unchangeable should not leave us feeling bored, instead it should lead us to dig our roots in deeper, recognizing that the unchangeable is the true source of life.

Therefore as you have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, having been firmly rooted and now being built up in Him and established in your faith, just as you were instructed, and overflowing with gratitude. See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men, according to the elementary principles of the world, rather than according to Christ.
— Colossians 2:6-8

"I Will Fight!" Jesus Died to Make You a Winner!!

Elevation Church is ready to PUMP YOU UP!! (Is this a church or a fitness club?)

Jesus wants you to be RIPPED!!

Jesus expects you to FIGHT!!

Super Pastor Steven Furtick has really big muscles, why don't YOU??

 

(But it's all about Jesus, right?)


Btw, Super Pastor Craig Groeschel would like to mention that he has really big muscles, too... 

(Pastor Groeschel is still trying to get past his reputation for having portrayed Harold Krenshaw on the TV show "Monk")

Vonda Brewer is WRONG! - Dump Trump Fail - Installing her "Prophetic Gravestone"

Vonda Brewer "prophesied" the dumping of Donald Trump as a candidate from the Republican ticket during the primaries, and then during the general election. She "prophesied" that Jeb and his son would be on the ticket instead. She has moved the prophetic goal posts many times as her "prophecy" was proven false.

Vonda Brewer is dead WRONG. "Dump Trump" was a fail. Today her prophetic gravestone has been installed. Luckily for her, it's only figurative, because under the old covenant, she'd be dead. Watch the video below to observe the installation of her "prophetic" gravestone.