Lake Forest, CA -The board of directors for Mega Church Corp announced today that they were forcing the resignation of Jesus Christ as the head of their organization. The reasons cited for Jesus' abrupt departure from Mega-Church Corp included Jesus' increasing lack of understanding of the unique needs of 21st Century consumers as well as marketing data that clearly showed that Jesus' old school message of repentance and the forgiveness of sins was just not resonating with today's tech savvy religious customers.
Rick Warren, Chairman of the Board, for Mega-Church Corp in an email to the media said, "This was a tough decision to have to make. Jesus has been the head of our organization since it's inception. But, Jesus' insistence on sound doctrine and a core message that conjures up visions of sin, hell, God's wrath and that whole scandalous (and bloody!) death on the cross just isn't relevant anymore." Warren continued, "Despite our insistence at previous board meetings that Jesus get his head out of the First Century and update His messaging to meet the felt needs of today's religious seekers, Jesus stubbornly refused to heed our council. Ultimately, we had to think about the future of our organization, and it was all too clear that we could not meet our growth targets if we continued to use a 2000 year old message."
Bill Hybels, Senior Member of the Board of Directors at Mega-Church Corp, commenting on the forced resignation of the Son of God said, "This decision was long overdue. Strong and effective leaders make real and effective changes-no matter how difficult they may be. We've always valued excellence in leadership above everything. Truth be told, we didn't need Jesus to grow our organization, and everyone recognized it years ago. Now that Jesus is no longer at the helm of Mega-Church Corp we expect to see a consequential increase in growth, both numerically and spiritually."
(This satirical article was originally posted on Extreme Theology in 2009)