Shawn Bolz Does Google Cold Reading at The Send as Holy Spirit Takes a Nap.

In a recent press conference the Holy Spirit spoke about recent events at The Send, in Orlando, FL on Feb. 23, 2019. “After so many hours of hypnotic, mid-tempo, repetitive music I just had to lay down and close my eyes for a few minutes,” said the Holy Spirit in a somewhat apologetic tone. “Well, that few minutes turned into several hours of blissful, uninterrupted sleep. I must’ve really needed the rest after being conjured up repeatedly throughout the day.” A reporter from Charisma Magazine asked Him, “How did Shawn Bolz get such an accurate word of knowledge about Dennis Melnichuk if you weren’t even awake to feed him the information?” The Third Person of the Trinity shifted uncomfortably in His chair for a moment before replying plainly, “Mr. Bolz did what was necessary, under the conditions of the moment: he got a few names off of the The Send registration list and did a quick Google search to retrieve pertinent information for the purpose of building up the saints.” After a few whispered gasps could be heard, an awkward pause filled the pressroom as everyone considered the gravity of the situation.

A young reporter from the Orlando Examiner asked Him, “Sir, please forgive me if my question is out of line, but basically you’re saying that Shawn Bolz lied… and, and, he pretended to get supernatural help from you when it was really information he just found online??” The Sovereign God of the Universe seemed unfazed by the confrontational, yet legitimate, question. He answered without hesitation, “Look, here’s how this works: I’m a busy guy, I’m doing stuff for people all day long, so I’m not gonna sit here and apologize for anything. These people wanted to see a “sign from God” and they got exactly what they wanted. I’m all about results, and Shawn Bolz got results.” As if He was energized by His newly-found transparency He continued, “Do any of you people have any idea what it’s like to be shouted at all day long? Have you ever had a stadium full of people begging and pleading for you to do stuff all day long? In the hot Florida sun?? No, you haven’t. I was exhausted, I took a nap, Bolz did the right thing to appease the sign-seekers, and everyone was happy. Heck, they’re still happy! Even after they learn that the whole thing was fake they refuse to believe it because they like it so much. I call that a success. No more questions.”

The Holy Spirit then got up to leave, taking with Him a large glass of freshly-squeezed Florida orange juice. The roomful of reporters began to lightly applaud as Benny Hinn pulled up in his gold-plated Ferrari to provide taxi service, as the two were reportedly on their way to attend Lou Engle’s “Kundalini Workout Program.” Mr. Hinn could be heard to say “watch out-this thing doesn’t have cup holders!” as the two sped off, making their way through the Orlando traffic.


Read the complete version of this article at Steven Kozar’s all-new The Messed Up Church website.


"Come Holy Spirit" Conference: Professional Speakers Need an Audience

Here's yet another conference... the Holy Spirit will "show up" and it'll change the whole world and stuff. If you go to this thing you'll never be same, blah blah blah...

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Okay, let's just be honest: These people are professional speakers and if you don't buy tickets to this thing, they won't make any money. 

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Here's what the title page says for this conference:

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So they ripped Acts 1:8 out of context and applied it to this conference! Here's more of the passage:

On one occasion, while he was eating with them, he gave them this command: “Do not leave Jerusalem, but wait for the gift my Father promised, which you have heard me speak about. For John baptized with water, but in a few days you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit.” Then they gathered around him and asked him, “Lord, are you at this time going to restore the kingdom to Israel?” He said to them: “It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority. (8) But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” After he said this, he was taken up before their very eyes, and a cloud hid him from their sight.
— Acts 1: 4-9

In the very next chapter of Acts, the Holy Spirit (really) fell on people:

When the day of Pentecost arrived, they were all together in one place. And suddenly there came from heaven a sound like a mighty rushing wind, and it filled the entire house where they were sitting. And divided tongues as of fire appeared to them and rested on each one of them. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit gave them utterance.
— Acts 2: 1-4

So the thing that this passage is pointing to has already happened. Read the rest of this chapter-it's an amazing passage of Scripture! We don't need to keep begging the Holy Spirit to fall (unless you want to sell more tickets to yet another conference).

The Holy Spirit has come.

These professional speakers don't want you to know that. They continually tell you that you don't have enough of the Holy Spirit until you buy tickets and go to their events and buy their books and get lulled into a semi-hypnotic state by the soft-rock worship team and then listen to people talk a lot, tell outlandish & unverifiable stories, and twist God's Word while they brag about how humble they are.

By the way, if you're really interested in getting more you can spend an extra $79 for the Premier Ticket to have one "meet and greet session" with a Super Apostle; maybe you'll get an "anointing" or "mantle" or "impartation" or something.

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Most of the 2nd chapter of Acts is the Apostle Peter's terrific sermon, where he tells people the hard truth that they've rejected the Messiah, Jesus, and are guilty of crucifying Him. This is what follows:

Now when they heard this they were cut to the heart, and said to Peter and the rest of the apostles, “Brothers, what shall we do?” And Peter said to them, “Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. For the promise is for you and for your children and for all who are far off, everyone whom the Lord our God calls to himself.” And with many other words he bore witness and continued to exhort them, saying, “Save yourselves from this crooked generation.” So those who received his word were baptized, and there were added that day about three thousand souls.
— Acts 2: 37-41

Indeed, let us all "save ourselves from this crooked generation."

The Lou Engle Kundalini Workout Program!

Wanna lose a few more pounds? Well it's time to get spiritual-and get in shape!

Follow along with Lou and you'll be sweating off that extra weight in no time! Before you can say "who babba kanda" you'll be exhibiting your own personal Tourette Syndrome! Shabba!!

I Refuse to Believe Bob Jones-I'm Staying Home

Watch this short video of the late Bob Jones (NOT the Bob Jones University guy) and listen to how much weird and creepy teaching he can squeeze into just a few minutes:

Here's another occasion (in 2009) where he repeated this same false prophecy:

 

Bob Jones is considered to have been a very great prophet by everyone in the Signs and Wonders/Charismatic/IHOP/New Apostolic Reformation crowd. According to the NAR leaders, whatever he has predicted will come true! It has to come true. He's pretty much uncontested as an amazing prophet and man of God. But in this video he is talking about the "great revival" that was (at the time) going on in Lakeland, Florida, with Todd Bentley. This is before the Charismatic Day of Infamy took place. Bob Jones was TOTALLY wrong about the buffoon and scoundrel, Todd Bentley-just like every other leader who was on GodTV praising Bentley as a great healer and revivalist for a brief time in 2008. 

Bob Jones was supposed to have been the BEST prophet on planet earth-seriously, he's like a modern day Father Abraham to these people. But everything he says in this video is twisted and wrong. Being interviewed by Rick Joyner, he says that God and the angels have their hands cuffed, and it's up to us to speak things into existence because God gave us all power to unloosen them so they can go and create. This is blasphemy 101! God told him to lay hands on the pine tree that was growing out of John G. Lake's grave. And when he did this his arm caught on fire. Nice. He says that the 1950's revealed the power of God as he lists his favorite (false) teachers of that decade-starting with William Branham. (By the way, doesn't Jesus reveal the power of God? Jones doesn't mention Jesus too much...) He also claims Oral Roberts was another great man of God from the 1950's-this is the guy who invented the "seed-faith" trick that has enriched prosperity preachers all over the world, and has ruined the faith and finances of untold millions of people ever since. He says that the 1970's was the time when we finally learned the truth of the Bible. And he says that the 2000's will be a time of supernatural signs and wonders that will reveal the glory of God... how'd that work out??

Here's the really crazy thing about Bob Jones the "prophet" who seems more like a wacky uncle sipping Jack Daniels from a bottle tucked in his coat pocket than a great and important Man of God:

All of the people who are trying so hard to stir up a revival, are absolutely certain that a billion-soul revival is just around the corner. Why are they so sure of a "billion soul revival" (often called the Third Wave)? Because Bob Jones said it was going to happen. Never mind that the Bible warns us to beware of false teachers who produce great signs and wonders, and to expect a great falling away; we're supposed to skip the Bible and just listen to Bob Jones now. 

Bob Jones wasn't a good enough prophet to figure out that Todd Bentley was a third-rate hustler and fraud, but we all need to abandon everything and go to yet another "Revival of Desperation That Will Really Change The World This Time" because Bob Jones said so. Jones couldn't figure out that William Branham was a cult leader and false prophet, but we're just supposed to trust his billion-soul "prophecy" now. We're being told we have to go so we can make God finally do the thing that He's been wanting to do for decades now, if we're hungry enough... and sold-out enough... and if we sing songs along with the celebrity worship teams until we wear out our vocal chords as proof of our desperation, sincerity and conformity to Evangelical norms enough, as we hold our hands up high and close our eyes just like EVERY. SINGLE. PROMOTIONAL. PHOTOGRAPH tells us to.

I'm staying home.

I not only refuse to believe these false prophets, heretics and professional revivalists, I refuse to feel guilty for not charging up my credit card to take another trip to the "Best Conference Ever"  because they told me I have to go and prove my love for Jesus by showing up.

I will stay home and happily be a part of God's Church. I will partake of the Sacraments. I will study God's Word. I will gladly share the Gospel of Jesus Christ with as many people as I can. I will be faithful with what God has actually called me to do. 

I don't care if ninety million people march together with their arms linked to "Together 2016."

 

I don't care how many people buy into Lou Engle's  "Azusa Now: The Call" (Note the girl correctly holding up her hands and closing her eyes, just like she's supposed to)

 I don't care how many Christian super-star celebrities promise to show up and give speeches and sing songs... and sell stuff... lots of stuff.

I refuse to be manipulated by people like Lou Engle who, like Bob Jones, claims to speak directly for God. I refuse to be manipulated by expensive promotional videos that make great claims to speak on behalf of God, but can't deliver what they promise. God is not speaking through people who habitually violate His Word, and we are under no obligation to listen to them.

There. Don't you feel better now? 

You therefore, beloved, knowing this beforehand, take care that you are not carried away with the error of lawless people and lose your own stability. But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen.
— 2 Peter 3:17-18

 

Remember, the New Apostolic Reformation folks are hoping nobody remembers The Charismatic Day of Infamy.

For those of you who think it's mean and un-loving to criticize Bob Jones, Lou Engle (or any other popular teacher) here's a list of Bible verses to consider: Shocking Stuff You're Not Supposed to Know.

Finally, here's an important article that will help you be more discerning and a lot less gullible: Defusing Demonic Dirty Bombs.