Quack and the bean stalk

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What you see in today's Christianity, you just can't make up.

Oh wait. "Prophetess" Kathi Pelton who gets her prophecies onto the Elijah List did. (This is the graphic she added to her prophecy.)

YOUR SEED IS ABOUT TO BE A BEANSTALK THAT REACHES HEAVEN AND BRINGS YOUR MIRACLE!

Jack_and_beanstalk___sample_1_by_aokstudios

A vision and word:

 
This morning as I waited on the Lord I saw a vision of a seed being planted that overnight turned into a beanstalk that reached to Heaven. It was like a scene out of the fairy tale, “Jack and the Beanstalk”.
 
As seeds were planted, God’s people were ascending to the Throne Room in Heaven and seated next to the Father and the Son. As they sat down they were instructed to watch what God was going to do for them. Then I saw the giant that had opposed these individuals taken down by the power of the Lord. God overcame this giant, removed his authority (his crown) and restored joy, resource and hope to His people.
 
Just as in the fairy tale story, Jack traded things that were essential to his family’s survival for a single seed. Many of you have been taking what is essential for your livelihood and the Lord has been asking you to give it away. He has exchanged your gift for a seed to sow into the soil of His Kingdom. It is not a magic seed but a miracle seed.
 
I was immediately reminded of the story of the widow and her son in 1 Kings 17where she takes the last of her provision and obeys God by using it to feed the prophet Elijah. This act of obedience not only released her ongoing provision but it also brought miraculous healing to her son. You may be looking at the end of all of your provision and the Lord is asking you to give it away but you are to know that your obedience will release your miracle.
 
God is looking for those who will hear and obey. This is part of your training and it is part of your partnership with Heaven to receive your breakthrough for the sake of His glory. We may not have a goose that lays daily golden eggs like in the fairy tale but we have something much better…we have a God who keeps His promises and when we obey His voice breakthrough is released.
 
Kingdom principles rarely make sense to our human understanding but we are to come like a child (like Jack) and believe that God is able to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves as we yield to His ways and obey His voice.
 
Kathi Pelton
jkpelton@sbcglobal.net

From - http://oceansinthedesert.com/2015/06/24/your-seed-is-about-to-be-a-beanstalk-that-reaches-heaven-and-brings-your-miracle/, Posted on June 24, 2015.

Message to Gateway: HE IS RISEN - not "it" is risen

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Good Friday is a time to for churches to preach how Christ was lifted up on the cross so that people may know that are forgiven of their sins. Resurrection Sunday is a time for churches to proclaim "He is risen indeeed".

But for some reason, Gateway Church decided to advertise their Easter with this tasteless erectile dysfunction ad spoof.

Worst Easter Advertisement EVER! Run Away! Don't Look!!

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And the Worst Easter Advertisement in the History of the Christian Church Award goes to....Action Church

No matter how many times you say to yourself "make it go away" what you're about to see will plague you for the rest of your life. You've been warned...

 

 

There's still time to turn back...

 

 

You asked for it...

 

 

 

Pastor Hughes and gang "turn back the clock to save the day" on Easter?

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Church of the Rock decided to plug this advert for their Easter service (because nothing says "The Resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ" like this movie):

BackFromTheFuture_V2_Web_cropped
BackFromTheFuture_V2_Web_cropped

This Easter, Church of the Rock will embark on another epic adventure to discover the true meaning of Easter. Join the gang as they turn back the clock to save the day. Pastor Mark Hughes will be preaching the message "Back from the Future." [Link]

Where would we be if it wasn't for Mark Hughes and his posse?

Hillsong's 2015 Rose-tinted-Glasses "Vision"?

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You just can't make this stuff up. This is the gimmick Hillsong pulled for their 2015 Vision Sunday:

Hillsong-vision-assimilation"Oooooo! Vision!"

Who are responsible for the roses tinted glasses vision outbreak? Why Brian Houston and Bobbie Houston of course! This is an image of both fuhrer's promoting "The Cause" which is on Bobbie Houston's Instagram:

Hillsong-vision-brianbobbie

"I often tell our church that we have one vision... No doubt you have heard of an “us-and-them” spirit. It is one I do not let fester in our church. I ask our leaders, “On which side of ‘us and them’ do you find yourself?” Loyalty always positions itself as one of “them”. You can build the church, a marriage, and friendship on that kind of loyalty." - Brian Houston

The prophetic "Vision" of Hillsong has also invaded the animal Kingdom.

Hillsong-vision-dog"He's counting down the days. #vision" - Brian Houston

Resistance is futile. Who will be assimilated next into the Hillsong Vision?

Beiber submitting to Hillsong Vision

Tithe Rapaganda

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How do you fleece your church when Christian families are suffering through the Global Financial Crisis? Introduce your church to the "Tithe Rap". This tithe* gimmick will be sure to entertain the gullible to part with their cash! (Robert  Morris - eat your heart out.)

 

This little gimmick has quite the following.

 

* tithing is a false doctrine that scams people of their money.

"Are you in needing of healing?"

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That's the question Todd Bentley of FreshFireUSA ministries asked in his recent advert on FaceBook and Instagram.

Recently, "Bam Bam" Bentley advertised that you can buy his healing prayers so you can get miraculously healed. So if you want your kicked-in face to be healed, Todd's merchandise can heal you! Aren't you glad Todd Bentley can sell you his supernatural healing prayers on iTunes?

Bentley writes,

Are you in needing of healing? The voice of Healing anointed Healing prayers with song CD is available. We have receive Incredible testimonies of healing from our soaking healing CD. Get the Voice of Healing now available on iTunes! http://bit.ly/1gijMy6 and sample all other music by Todd Bentley on iTunes as well. Use the direct link above.

Proof_InstagramToddBentleySellsHealingPrayers_01-03-2015
Proof_InstagramToddBentleySellsHealingPrayers_01-03-2015

From: https://instagram.com/p/zrWib5tFyZ/

So much for the free gifts of the Holy Spirit being free.

“The Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” And let the one who hears say, “Come!” Let the one who is thirsty come; and let the one who wishes take the free gift of the water of life.”
— Revelations 22:17

Do you have a sick "personal relationship" with Jesus like this?

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This is what happens when people take their personal experiences and IHOP's false Bridal Paradigm too far. This is Brandon Barthrop from Red Letter Ministries (RLM) who holds his church services in a former crackhouse in Minnesota. (You can hear his wife Penny in the background.)

(Warning: MA - explicit language and disturbing sexual references.)

This is Barthrop's excuse for the above video:

“WARNING! This video is a parable! NOT to be taken literally. The language in this video is symbolic! Glory! Having spiritual sex with Jesus should be just as normal to Christians as breathing, since we are 1 spirit. Intimacy has been so religiousized by demons, so let us break the barriers into the reality of what intimacy is: sexual union. The entire bridal paradigm and the mystery of marriage and consummation etc. that is in the natural is all symbolic of the ultimate union with God. Sex between a man and women in the marriage covenant is the physical manifestation of the spiritual marriage and spiritual sex between the Christian and their Lord. Glory! Orgasmic glory is here to stay as the Lord will never issue us a divorce certificate! Hallelujah! For more orgasmic glory visit Red Letter Ministries online garden: http://RedLetterMin.com/”"

ESPN Sports Center-like "Church" Entertainment

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What function does this Sports Center-Like entertainment fulfill in a Christian Church service? Does it draw people closer to Jesus? Does it help them understand sound Biblical doctrine? Is it a form of prayer or Christian fellowship? What is its function? Embarrassment? Utter foolishness? Is this to demonstrate how to live in a pathetic fantasy world where you get to pretend you're just like the "real" world of celebrities and TV hosts?? Even though you're not???

City Harvest Church caught in a bad... bromance

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City Harvest Church in Singapore singing and dancing about their relationship with Jesus. This is the church that bought you Pastrix Sun Ho (a.k.a. "Geisha"). On the plus side, where have you ever before heard such clever rhymes as "Jesus, heals our diseases?" And, hey, they sure have lovely singing voices! Maybe these guys could get a lucrative recording contract, too?!

The leaders of this church to this day are still in court over mishandling church funds of up to US $46.3 million.

Dating Naked??

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The Journey Church in Queens, NY has a great marketing gimmick to help draw people to "church", they're starting a new series called Dating Naked and they've sent out marketing flyers to homes and apartments near their "church" to let everyone know. That purposefully shocking title will be sure to attract people to their "church." As long as grabbing attention at any cost is the new evangelism, why not just pull out all the stops? "Preaching Naked" Come on Pastor, it's for Jesus!

Screen Shot 2015-02-05 at 9.21.09 AM
Screen Shot 2015-02-05 at 9.21.09 AM
DatingNaked2
DatingNaked2

Idolatry starts with I

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Did you know that to bring revival to a generation, you just need to "bend your life in such a way that makes Jesus willingly follow you?" Yes, apparently Jesus has been waiting all these years for a prophet like this guy to explain it correctly. We expect to hear about a gigantic and mighty revival as a result of  this teaching very soon, since Jesus must surely be following him by now. 

"Prophet" Micah Wood from the Ramp Church teaches how you can can start revival (5:40).

“Now the interesting thing is to me, there are many interesting things to me about God’s story – but one of the most interesting things to me is that all throughout the bible you find Jesus telling people to follow him: “Follow me. I will make you fishers of man. Drop down your nets and follow me. Follow me. Let the dead bury their dead. You follow me. Uh, you know, a man who sets his hand to the plow but looks back is not fit for the kingdom of God. You just follow me. Peter, don’t worry about what John’s gonna do in his life, you just follow me.”

All through out the bible you see Jesus saying, “Follow me. Follow me. Follow me. Follow me.”

But here we meet a man named Jairus who is a ruler of the synagogue who doesn’t just live in such a way to follow Jesus, there’s something about what he does with his life of worship that causes Jesus to follow him. That Jesus all through out the bible that says, “Follow me. Follow me. Follow me.” And He meets one man that Jesus does not just say, “Follow me,” Jesus says to him, “I’m going to follow you.” Because genuine revival and genuine awakening and the genuine purpose of God for your life does not happen when we occasionally bend ourselves or push ourselves where Jesus is. Genuine revival and awakening and purpose happens when we bend our lives in such a way that Jesus is willing to follow us. And for years and years we’ve had a concept that’s long as we occasionally put ourselves in the middle of whereever Jesus is then we’re doing good.

But what’s really doing good is when you so develop a lifestyle of worship that Jesus and the presence of Jesus follow you around wherever you go.”

HT - churchwatchcentral.com

Lampooning Moses Cartoon "Sermon Opener"

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The Crossing Church in Elk River, MN opened this past Sunday's "sermon" with this silly over-dubbed old cartoon. Why? We have no idea. Clearly, lampooning Biblical stories, in Eric Dykstra's way of thinking, is an important part of evangelism. "Hey, we still use the Bible and stuff, but we make fun of it, too. Do you like us now? Will you join our church, please?"

Call us old school, but we believe pastors who preach God's Holy Word should treat it as if it actually is God's Holy Word.

“As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God” (1 Peter 4:10–11)

BTW, the Story of Moses is NOT about Moses. It's about God and more specifically, its about Jesus.

30 Second Theology...From Commercials NOT The Bible

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Super Bowl Sunday is right around the corner so how on earth can a seeker-driven vision-casting leader expect to compete with that? Well...here's an idea, preach on the "spiritual principles" found in everyone's favorite commercials! That's a sure fire way to draw a crowd! Remember when Jesus told His disciples to "attract a crowd anyway you can?" That was in the book of Distractions.

 But, there's one small problem: pastors are told by God's Word to "preach the word" (2 Tim 4:2). Apparently, Craig Groeschel doesn't think that applies to him. This church promo video is scraping the bottom of the ear-tickling barrel:

You Give Church a Bad Name

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This is one of the most bizarre attempts at relevancy that we’ve ever seen performed by a pastor. When did pastors decide that embarrassing themselves was somehow good for the church?

This artifact of apostasy comes to us via Duneland Community Church, Chesterton, IN and features the creative attempts at relevancy of Pastor Greg Arthur. Sorry Greg, but this gives church a bad name.