New Comedy from Charlie Shamp: "A New Prophetic Bird is Being Birthed in the Earth"

The following is a silly and incoherent word salad from Charlie Shamp that was (accidentally) published on the Elijah List website as real. Unfortunately, this work of wacky comedy sounded exactly like the other “prophetic words” that the Elijah List posts everyday, so Steve Shultz took it seriously and provided this endorsing preface: “I have come to know Charlie Shamp's prophetic words as being very accurate and timely. I always look forward to reading and hearing what Prophet Charlie Shamp has to share with the Body of Christ. This is a most intriguing word as Charlie shares about new prophetic birds being birthed in this season:”

Charlie Shamp: "A New Prophetic Bird is Being Birthed in the Earth"

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These crazy “prophetic words” are so far away from Biblical Christianity that anyone with an ounce of common sense should see the humor and simply laugh! Clearly, Charlie Shamp is trying his hand at comedy, since his ability to predict the future has failed miserably, and that zany hairstyle is practically shouting: “Hey! This all just a joke, go ahead and laugh at me!!”

Here are some of the outrageous things that Charlie Shamp wrote in his nutty little article about prophetic birds being birthed:

“The Golden Eagle

The golden eagle represented the seer prophets. Those who are given supernatural insights and heavenly revelation through dreams and visions. They carry a wonder-working power of the supernatural. They often manifest unusual wonders and manifestations of the glory.

The Silver Winged Dove

The silver winged dove represented the nabi prophets. Those that spontaneously prophesy as the Spirit moves upon them. They are given a ministry of signs that manifest in the area of deliverance and healing.

The Snow White Owl

The snow white owl represented the prayer and holiness prophets. These are watchers and prophetic intercessors. They are those who the Lord had sent to pray and intercede over cities and nations. From out of this prophetic bird has sprung the prayer and purity revival movements.”

-Comedy from Charlie Shamp


Just to make sure everyone knows this is all in fun, Shamp ends his article with pure nonsense that says absolutely nothing. Check out this hilarious ending paragraph (and try to hold back the laughter!)…

“I believe we are in a season of acceleration in the prophetic. A new mantle is being offered to the Church. God is looking for leaders to unite from these three movements. As they come together in this season, a new, fresh wave of prophetic power will be released upon this young prophetic generation of sons and daughters. It will take the spirit of Elijah coming upon the fathers and mothers to unite the different prophetic movements, but they will release a Bridal company, and a new prophetic bird will be released in the earth, one the world has never seen before.”

-Comedy from Charlie Shamp

For more information on Charlie Shamp, check out these episodes of Fighting for the Faith.

Sarah Young's "Jesus Always" Wins Book Award -Thanks to God Himself!

HarperCollins is a gigantic book publishing company that owns both Thomas Nelson and Zondervan, the two largest Christian book publishers in the world. Sarah Young has heard directly from Jesus (again) and has written down His words and created another best-selling devotional book. Her previous book, "Jesus Calling" has sold over 25 million copies, but it was getting a bit old. Fortunately for Young, Jesus decided to speak once again and after just a short time on the market, this new book has reached "Platinum" level of sales! Since this book was written directly by God, it shouldn't surprise anyone that it won the ECPA Book of the Year. (ECPA stands for: Evangelical Confused Publishing Association)

HarperCollins Christian Publishing Wins Four 2018 Christian Book Awards including Jesus Always named Book of the Year

 

 

Of course, this isn't really fair to all of the other books that, let's face it, were NOT written by God Himself. Still, we have to give credit where credit is due: If God writes a book, it's gotta be a good one!

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HarperCollins has not made it clear whether they plan on publishing old-fashioned Bibles anymore, as this new venture seems to be much more popular with the book-buying public.

Lest anyone think that these awards have no scholarly merit, remember that in 2015 the Book of the Year award went to Rick Warren's dieting book "The Daniel Plan: 40 Days to a Healthier Life." Here's a current photo of Rick Warren to show how effective that book was:


Seriously, here's a bunch of information about this issue from Marcia Montenegro.

God Sends a Moth to Show the Gullibility of Charisma Magazine

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Most people don't get too excited when a moth gets captured by a security camera. Charisma Magazine, however, is sure that the moth is actually an angel, and the roofline of the building behind it is actually a sword:

Security Cameras Capture Footage of an Angel With a Sword

Just in case you're not sure that the sword is just the roofline behind it, Charisma even publishes the next frame in the sequence that clearly shows the roofline of the building as the moth flies away.

Here's the 2nd photograph showing the moth fly away:

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Now here's the "angel with a sword" photograph:

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Charisma Magazine got this ridiculous and unsubstantiated story from the Facebook page of Jordan Rivers Church.

Charisma Magazine is endorsed by Dr. Michael Brown.

Dr. Michael Brown's Citizenship in Sid Roth-Iscam

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Have you heard of the country called Sid Roth-Iscam? It's a very special place, where only a select few can become citizens. Sid Roth-Iscam is where weak and vulnerable travelers lose their money and dignity, as the royal citizenry enrich themselves through fraud and deceit.

 

Dr. Michael Brown has proven his citizenry in this land. Here is a short video that explains the qualifications necessary to become a citizen of this land:

Thanks to Is Not Satire!


Remember, Dr. Michael Brown has publicly validated the "ministry" of his good friend, Sid Roth:

Paula White Blathers on for Almost Seven Minutes; Basically Wants More Money

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Scholars of the Old and New Testament are currently debating the exact content of this important new video from Paula White-Cain, but the current consensus is that she wants people to send her a LOT of money. This would appear to comply with every other time she has had anything to say. Paula has a clever name for this "you should send me money" theology: First Fruits.

Although some may describe this as a sickening and deplorable money grab, it's important to remember that she promises to send donors of $50 or more some useless books about something or other. 

Here's the video:


Here's what the Apostle Paul said about preachers getting rich:

2 Corinthians 2:17  “Unlike so many, we do not peddle the word of God for profit. On the contrary, in Christ we speak before God with sincerity, as those sent from God.”

1 Timothy 6:5, 9-10  “...and constant friction between people of corrupt mind, who have been robbed of the truth and who think that godliness is a means to financial gain. (9) But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. (10) For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs.”

1 Corinthians 5:11-13  "But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of a brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler-not even to eat with such a one. For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? God judges those on the outside. Remove the evil person from among you."

Titus 1:7-11  “For the overseer must be above reproach as God's steward, not self-willed, not quick-tempered, not addicted to wine, not pugnacious, not fond of sordid gain, but hospitable, loving what is good, sensible, just, devout, self-controlled, holding fast the faithful word which is in accordance with the teaching, so that he will be able both to exhort in sound doctrine and to refute those who contradict. For there are many rebellious men, empty talkers and deceivers, especially those of the circumcision, who must be silenced because they are upsetting whole families, teaching things they should not teach for the sake of sordid gain.”

 

Here's what Jesus said about getting rich:

Matthew 6:19-21 "Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Matthew 6:24  “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.”

Luke 6:20-26  And he lifted up his eyes on his disciples, and said: “Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. Blessed are you who are hungry now, for you shall be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh. Blessed are you when people hate you and when they exclude you and revile you and spurn your name as evil, on account of the Son of Man! Rejoice in that day, and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven; for so their fathers did to the prophets. But woe to you who are rich, for you have received your consolation. Woe to you who are full now, for you shall be hungry. Woe to you who laugh now, for you shall mourn and weep. Woe to you, when all people speak well of you, for so their fathers did to the false prophets."

 

Here's what the Apostle Peter says about preachers getting rich:

2 Peter 2:1-3  “But false prophets also arose among the people, just as there will also be false teachers among you, who will secretly introduce destructive heresies, even denying the Master who bought them, bringing swift destruction upon themselves. Many will follow their sensuality, and because of them the way of the truth will be maligned; and in their greed they will exploit you with false words; their judgment from long ago is not idle, and their destruction is not asleep.”
 

Here's what the Apostle John says about getting rich:

1 John 2:15-17 "Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. For all that is in the world-the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions-is not from the Father but is from the world. And this world is fading away, along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever."

Todd Bentley Commissions The "Apostolic Puppet Lady!!"

Todd Bentley has done it again! Just when you thought he was all washed up he finally shows himself to be a bonified and authentic Man of God! Sure, after his fraudulent claims of raising the dead, his drunken & adulterous behavior on the Charismatic Day of Infamy and his inability to maintain a consistent hair/tattoo/beard/clothing combination, many people thought he was just a pathetic, yet fairly dangerous false-teaching swindler. But now we have REAL proof of his supernatural & prophetic ability! He can commission and produce Apostolic Puppet People!! Look at the wonderful results at the East Texas Glory Revival (the Facebook post & video has been removed since we posted this article)...

 

Of course, this exciting new "move of God" first made an appearance in the movie "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang:"

 

But the movement had also gained momentum during the years of the Muppet Show: 

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Todd Bentley is part of the strange & gigantic movement loosely known as the New Apostolic Reformation. Read more about it here:  

The New Apostolic Reformation Cornucopia of False Doctrine, Dominionism, Charismania and Deception

Exorcism by Zerbert? Is "Prophetess" Mattie Nottage Zerberting Demons?

It's possible "prophetess" Mattie Nottage may be zerberting demons, something potentially learned by watching The Cosby Show. (You can watch the scene here if you do not have a frame of reference for the zerbert.) Here are clips from a recent exorcism video she released.

It's hard to discern if she's actually making the zerbert noises or if those were edited in for dramatic effect. This "exorcism" is more about drawing attention to the false prophetess, than it is about setting someone free from demons. 

Here is the disaster in unedited long-form.

Visual Proof That Modern Churches are (Much) Better

 

Wanna see a bunch of neanderthals living in the dark ages? Click through these photos and look at these silly old churches having old-fashioned worship services:

(Pretty embarrassing, isn't it??)

 

 

But now, take a look at these modern church services. THIS is what works! THIS is how you accurately and reverently worship the sovereign God of the universe!

(The following are all real snippets of modern Evangelical "worship services" from their own YouTube channels) 

 


"Pastor" Ed Young, Jr. Skips Around the Stage as Adults Applaud

This is one of the biggest "pastors" in America. This is not satire. This was part of a horrible sermon series. Listen to Chris Rosebrough discuss this on this episode of Fighting for the Faith.

In case you're thinking, "Well at least he's getting people to come to church..." you need to read this:

The Seeker-Friendly, Purpose-Driven Cornucopia of False Teaching

God "Knocked You Up" and You Might Not Know It!

In a recent post on Facebook Shawn Bolz seems to be suggesting that God has "knocked people up" and they don't know it yet.

Of course his post links to his worthless book "Keys to Heaven's Economy," so people can figure out how to get "the fruit of our womb."

The book promotion page says, "The Lord’s audible voice filled the room, introducing the angel standing before me: “Welcome the Minister of Finance for the Kingdom.”

Does the Bible mention anything about such an angel? Of course it does not.

The only thing getting "knocked up" here is your wallet.

 

By the way, Bolz displays real originality with his book title/cover:


"I Will Fight!" Jesus Died to Make You a Winner!!

Elevation Church is ready to PUMP YOU UP!! (Is this a church or a fitness club?)

Jesus wants you to be RIPPED!!

Jesus expects you to FIGHT!!

Super Pastor Steven Furtick has really big muscles, why don't YOU??

 

(But it's all about Jesus, right?)


Btw, Super Pastor Craig Groeschel would like to mention that he has really big muscles, too... 

(Pastor Groeschel is still trying to get past his reputation for having portrayed Harold Krenshaw on the TV show "Monk")

VIP Seating, Popcorn, Candy and Movies at Christ Fellowship Church

Christ Fellowship is handing out popcorn at the door, giving away VIP reserved seating, and conducting a special effects smoke & flame show with "Ironman" on stage during their official Sunday worship service. The VIP reserved seating has a mini refrigerator with drinks, hot popcorn, and candy. To potentially qualify for the VIP reserved seating you have to take a picture of yourself by a movie set at a church campus, post it to social media, and then tag the photo. Does this seem like pandering to get people to show up to you?

Is this really the type of atmosphere an official church worship service should have? This may be fine for an informal church outreach event, but this is supposed to be a gathering of the church to worship. But a big sign on stage saying "AT THE MOVIES" confesses that the focus here is on a movie. 

Below you will see the absolute distraction and mess they make of a church service...

For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths.
— 2 Timothy 4: 3-4

"Man Cuddling"-The New Way to Bring Men to the Church?

We all know how hard it is to get men to come to church. Perhaps this new trend is the missing piece of the puzzle to convince them to show up! Read more on: Is Not Satire

Men are always so hesitant to talk about topics like love, spirituality, feelings, relationships, etc., that's why they don't get too excited about attending a church service. Maybe the opportunity to spend some quiet time cuddling-with another man-is just what they need!

 

 

(In case you're worried that this is an actual "man cuddling" event, you can calm down-it's not. This is just ridiculous satirical writing to go along with the ridiculousness of this whole "revival" and the two men who are actually cuddling for some unknown reason. Bottom line: this is NOT how the Holy Spirit operates.)

Chuck Pierce Speaking Directly for God-Add This To Your Bible

Here's an exact transcription of the "prophecy" from Glory of Zion (from the March 2, 2016 episode of Fighting for the Faith):

(Starts with nonsensical speaking, which will then be interpreted)...

Prophet Keith (interpreting the nonsensical speaking): "And the Lord would say to you today, awaken oh dry bones, oh bones that have laid and have laid in the dust today is the day that new breath and yes, my breath is coming over you, so awaken dry bones, awaken. Arise, arise and dance, because your purpose is before you, so when you awaken go forward, go forward, go forward, because a triumph... a triumphant cry is awaiting when you awaken."

Prophet Chuck (stepping in to show how it's done): "I saw a picture it was like what Keith just prophesied, all of a sudden I saw God start re-pulling you together and bringing you up to a top of a plateau, and then He said now you're gonna go down a long slide, and when you get back down to that hard place you were in, it's gonna manifest as a garden like you've never b-seen before. I saw watch this week as you hit your slide and where you thought you'd been scattered in past seasons, you'll find you'll be pickin' fruit in this season. And I will say to you this will be a month the trees begin to shake, and when the wind blows if you'll step out into the wind, you'll hear where you need to go, for I'm gonna be sending my people out this way and that way, and in the midst of the wind blowing new strategies to increase I will be blowing in. And every way you increased in the past, I say make a list of it and then, hear me blow you in to a multiplication to increase in the future. And I say what I've done in you if you will review then I will give you a vision of how I'm going to use you with others in days ahead. I say you are at the brink of multiply, do not back up, lists and review and then see where I would have you go. For this has been a season of repositioning and in my repositioning I have even left some where they are that they so they can increase in new ways, I say see your position now for now you will move out to the right and the left and increase will come. I healed you so that others could be healed, I broke through you so that you could breakthrough others, I say I caused you to be delivered, so many could be delivered, I say to you, this is your beginning of moving out. And I say use that which had you bound as a whip on the enemy. I say if you'll look back and see how the enemy had you bound you will break and cause the increase of many to come, I say I want healing in my body, but I want my body to prosper again. And I say to you a portal is forming over you, one that you have never seen before, I say run under and watch me pour down upon you for you are just beginning to receive and I say to you don't interpret your future from your past but allow your past to come under the portal of your future and I will pour over you that identity that you need to step into." 

New Prophet: "For the Lord says that I am redefining your sense so you will see how to move and operate in the portal that is coming down, and he says I am redefining your sense in the watch he says do not shut your eyes in the hour of watch he says be ready for me as I begin to move in the watch."

Back to Prophet Chuck: "The Lord says to you this is the beginning that I am going to reveal my glory and how my glory will move out I'm gonna show you how to advance, I'm gonna show you how to move, for Oklahoma I have chosen to unlock, and in unlocking Oklahoma I will unlock this entire nation, for my first people are dwelling in that place and DNA for the nation exists there, so from the east I will begin to manifest my spirit in a new way sayeth the Lord."  

 

Please add this to the Bible. Chuck Pierce assures us that he speaks directly on behalf of God. Do NOT question the Messenger.