The User's Guide to Postmodern "Emergent" Christianity

     Step one is essential: "Get in the loop!" What does this mean, you ask? Well, this thought pattern is almost everything you'll need to stay clueless within the confines of Postmodern Christianity. Once you start thinking this way, you'll never get out of "the loop." It goes like this:

     "Mean, angry, narrow-minded and judgmental people are bad, and whatever they believe is instantly invalidated by the fact that they are judgmental, narrow-minded, angry and mean. I get to decide if, and when, they are mean, angry, narrow-minded and judgmental."

     Once you're safely in this loop you won't need to carefully consider the truth claims of another believer with their precious little Bible verses. And, thankfully, you'll never have to learn anything about the theology and creeds that have been passed down for almost two thousand years. Remember, there are still old-fashioned Christians who believe in the inerrancy of Scripture, and they are mean, angry, narrow-minded and judgmental. These dinosaurs want to conduct church the same old way and cling to antiquated beliefs that are out of step with today's social climate. You can easily ignore these people if you're "in the loop." Before you know it, you will have completely dehumanized them and it won't even faze you that you've been the judgmental one all along! 

 

      To follow step two, say something like this: "That may be true for you, but it's not true for me." In days of old, this was only used for superficial matters, like one's preference of Mary Ann over Ginger. But nowadays this simplistic catch phrase serves a vital new purpose: it enables anyone to ignore God's Word with impunity. It used to be that a Christian couldn't just go around rearranging and reinterpreting the Bible, but now it's easy! You may substitute similar catch phrases like "I just feel like it's not wrong for me" or you can even quote that great Bible verse: "What is truth? asked Pilate..."

      Step three, in case you haven't already figured it out, is this: Don't take the Bible very serious at all, just give it lip-service. I know, I know, this sounds extreme, but remember this is Postmodern Christianity. Postmodernity is a belief system that says that no belief system is true. It's absolutely certain that nothing is absolutely certain. The Bible is full of absolute truth claims, that's why it's so exclusive, hateful and out-of-date. However, you will still need to make reference to it on occasion, so it's good to have some overly simplistic proof-texts handy. "Thou shall not judge" is the all-time most popular proof-text, so feel free to use it as often as you want. Just remember not to read the entire passage in the actual Bible, otherwise you'll see what Jesus really meant. You can even misquote it like this: "Who are we to judge?" or "Only God can judge-that's not my job!"

 

      The Bible has clear rules about what is right and wrong, so you will need to avoid all of that. Remember, people generally hate God's rules, so you need to stay on their side; instead, make those Bible thumping "traditional" Christians seem like the real problem, i.e. they're bad because they think they're better than anyone else. You must ignore the fact that true Bible-believing Christians don't think they're better than anyone else, they are simply pointing to the unchangeable truth of God's Word as the only ultimate authority. Furthermore, the Gospel itself is only "Good News" because Jesus died on the cross to pay for our sins... and we couldn't even have sins unless we were guilty of breaking God's commandments... and since God Himself gave us His commandments we are clearly guilty and in need of a Savior.... do you see how this all falls apart if you start reading the Bible? You'll just turn into a regular Christian-ugh!

     Instead of that, keep it simple and just say something like "I believe the way of Jesus is love" or "I believe God just wants everyone to be happy in their own way." Nobody's going to argue with that, right? For more ideas on how to misquote God's Word, just listen to any interview with Rob Bell, Brian McLaren, Doug Pagitt, Tony Jones or any of the hip new emergent leaders. With a good dose of sincerity and direct eye contact (plus some emotional background music), you can say almost anything in the name of Jesus!

     Finally, when in doubt, always prefer ambiguity over certainty and truth. Ambiguity is the magic glue that holds Postmodern Christianity together. What does this mean? I don't know, what do you think it means? Is it possible that the ambiguity of uncertainty is really just the context from within which our sense of community can emerge? I don't know, I'm just asking the question, because the beauty of relationship reveals itself through the self-discovery process, as we all find personal meaning collectively and individually. I'm not saying that anyone's version of truth is right or wrong; I'm just asking questions so that a dialogue can be established. Maybe there's a better way, a way where all of our collective narratives can form a cohesive, yet multi-faceted story. Maybe this new meta-narrative can lead us to a place where fear and hatred will be replaced by mystery, beauty, and ongoing book sales. A place with well-attended conferences and substantial speaking fees, a place of extensive radio and T.V. interviews and, ultimately, a regular guest position with Oprah. We must dream. We must hope. We must never reach any conclusions.

(See how easy this is?)

 

Now get out there and confuse everyone! You can do it!! 


Here's a great episode of Fighting for the Faith to help you understand Postmodernism better: A Beginner's Guide to Post-Modernity

Check out this article (with a TON of links) from the Berean Examiner: Postmodern Christianity's End Game?

For a serious look at the "Emerging/Postmodern" church, please watch this extensive video:

For an extensive and serious understanding of Postmodernism please listen to this audio book from Professor Stephen Hicks:

(Thanks to the folks at Pyromaniacs for the memes)

 

 

Stupid Pastor Tricks-How You're Getting Fooled

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The Juvenilization Category of Tricks: 

  • The "Turn to your neighbor and say..." trick. Mr. Mega Pastor, we are no longer in the second grade, and we shouldn't be treated as such. This is just a way to force people to agree with you.
  • The "end every other sentence with AMEN?!" trick. Amen is not a question. You are putting that word at the end of your sentence because it forces people to agree with you, as they shut down any critical thinking.
  • The "make your church look like a children's TV Show" trick. Mr. Mega Pastor wants his followers to revert back to adolescence in order to instill obedience. But just how far will he go as he belittles his audience? How about this far:

                         Or how about this far:

                          Or how about this far:

  • The "my expectations of you are so low that I'll repeatedly insult your intelligence in order to hold your gnat-like attention" trick. Mr. Mega Pastor thinks most people are pretty stupid and need to be treated as gullible spectators. Worse than that, he thinks God needs the church service to be an adult pre-school in order to accomplish His will on earth.
  • The "listen to me repeat a catchphrase as if it were a Bible verse" trick. Because he needs these people to remember something, but he just can't seem to fit an actual Bible passage into his frantic yet meandering 45-minute speech...

 

The Cult of Personality Category of Tricks:

  • The "we started this church in our living room 6 years ago and look at what God has done!" trick. You bought a mailing list, hired a graphic artist and a web designer, you mailed out a slick postcard to 10,000 people that made promises & claims that your church can never deliver, but you're giving all the credit to God? Don't blame this thing on God.
  • The "aw shucks, can I just talk about myself for a while longer?" trick. You are trying to act humble but it's only working on the truly gullible.
  • The "our church is really great, and just in case you don't know how great it is, I'm gonna talk about it some more" trick. Why is it so important to continually prop up your church? You're not a pastor, you're a salesman making a pitch.
  • The "I don't have time to read the Bible, but I've got time to talk about sports/TV shows/personal stories/jokes/useless drivel..." trick. Everything that happens in your sermon is by your design, and you're deciding to cut out God's Word to make more room for yourself.
  • The "here's a really catchy name for my new sermon series that I'll keep repeating (I hope it gets me a book deal)" trick. We get it: without a new book you've got nothing to sell at the merchandise table when you go on the speaking circuit.
  • The "we are just so blessed and honored to have Pastor Whoever He Is with us today!" trick. And if you suck up to him enough, you'll get a speaking invitation at his (much larger) church.
  • The "watch me do that dramatic... pause... just like Rob Bell or Andy Stanley" trick. This is just cheap theatrics, and you've cheapened the house of God by pretending to be profound.
  • The "let me show you how cool and relevant I am while I pretend that I'm not trying to be cool and relevant" trick. Again, this only works on the truly gullible. You're really scraping the bottom of the barrel, aren't you Mr. Mega Pastor? (And Mr. Cool Music Guy on the worship team, maybe you should look into joining a cover band to satisfy your need for attention.)
  • The "let me brag about my luxurious lifestyle in front of the struggling people who paid for it" trick. You're not setting an example of success, you're taking money from people who will never live out the fantasies you sell them in the name of God.

 

The Super Spiritual Category of Tricks:

  • The "I hope you don't notice that I'm just making up this prophetic utterance" trick. If you want people to believe that God is speaking through you, shouldn't you construct sentences that actually mean something? How ridiculous can these "prophetic words" get? This ridiculous:
  • The "this is gonna be the year of acceleration! (or breakthrough, or increase, or visitation, or whatever...)" trick. Don't worry, after you make your New Year's proclamation you've got 11 months of useless blathering to distract everyone from your vague, yet false prediction.
  • The "I can make outlandish claims without any authentication" trick. Why does every supernatural event that you mention occur in some remote country... without cameras?
  • The "my Bible fell open and this is the verse that God showed me" trick. Wait a minute, is this a Christian church service or a tarot card reading??
  • The "I had my sermon all planned out but God gave me something different at the last minute" trick. Wow, we've never heard that before...
  • The "something REALLY big is coming... (eventually)" trick. How many decades have to pass before you finally cancel this ambiguous, confusing and useless "word from the Lord?"
  • The "healing service that's actually just a guy telling stories about all the healings he supposedly did somewhere else" trick. Lucky for this guy, the people who come to get healed are usually so desperate and confused they stay the whole time anyway. When they don't get healed they often blame themselves, too.
  • The "watch me talk very very fast, as if the sheer quantity of my words equated to Godly wisdom" trick. I suppose if you slowed down everyone could see that you're not really saying anything.
  • The "shift in the atmosphere" trick. Is this the Christian Church or an episode of Ghost Hunters?
  • The "Holy Spirit Tourette Syndrome" trick. Really? That's supposed to be the result of the Holy Spirit?? 

 

  • The "don't put God in a box" trick. This is how you turn the sovereign God of the Universe who has revealed Himself in His Holy Word into your own weird little creation. 
  • The "Law of Attraction" trick. Well, if you don't want to preach the Gospel from the Bible, I guess you might as well steal ideas from Oprah...
  • The "God spoke to me, so you pretty much have to believe whatever I say" trick. Don't worry, hardly anyone will notice that this is exactly how all cults get started.

Stay tuned for more Stupid Pastor Tricks!

 

-This article by Steven Kozar

A Hyper-Charismatic Guide to Losing your Mind

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If you want to abandon your Christian faith and become mentally unstable, just follow these simple steps:

  • "It all starts with a Dream! A God-Sized Dream!" To get started, you must believe that God expects you to dream up some outlandish desire in order to accomplish your Destiny. Because if you attempt to "do the impossible," God will miraculously answer your prayers and thus "get all the glory." You must take risks, step out in faith, and do something impossible. You and your dream must become the focus of your faith.
  • You then step out in faith and do something really stupid. (Often, this involves giving money to someone who teaches this stuff.)
  • Next, this ridiculous thing you've attempted doesn't work and you've got big problems. (Wow, what a surprise.)
  • Instead of admitting your big mistake, you will now focus all of your attention on the future and the great things that you'll accomplish after you get your breakthrough (your "Destiny"). Because the finished work of Christ dying on the cross to pay for our sins happened a long time ago, you will forget about it. Christianity gradually becomes a magic wand you keep waving around in order to get God to do stuff, and the "holy spirit" will demand more and more attention as he continually confuses you, embarrasses you and demands that you become more hungry, desperate and broken. He also wants you to be on fire. 
  • At this point you'll latch onto all of the sermons about fighting battles, getting a fresh new word from God, and fending off demons, pythons, and sneaky squids. "The devil knows about your Dream/Destiny and he wants to stop you!" You take your last few bucks to buy yet another book/DVD/CD/conference ticket, hoping to learn the "secret" to getting your breakthrough; you know, the breakthrough you wouldn't even need if you hadn't done something stupid...

  

  • Here is where you'll probably find people to "prophetically" declare something over you, in order to give you a "breakthrough." Nothing will really change, but you'll try really hard to pretend otherwise. You might go to see famous "prophets" who claim to be "anointed," because you believe they can help you, but they only help you to lose more money.
  • You have a suspicion in the back of your mind that you've entered a cult-like state of mind, but you don't want to admit it to anyone. There's a part of you that would like to go back to being a "normal" person, but you've been told that thinking that way is a direct attack of the devil.
  • The Bible is no longer the story of God redeeming sinful mankind (The Gospel); it is more like a book of incantations to ward off evil spirits and make your dreams (finally) come true. You've largely forgotten about the simple Gospel message in your attempt to get secret knowledge from God (this is called "Gnosticism," by the way).
  • You're (secretly) willing to skip the whole dream/destiny thing and just have some stability in your life, but the experts you're listening to tell you to "press in to get your miracle!" or something like that, and you still believe them. So, the very people whose bad ideas got you into this mess are the people you continue to listen to. How's that working for you?
  • The one thing you don't want to do is have a "have a religious spirit." This meaningless catch-phrase keeps you locked into all of this chaos and confusion. How's that working for you?
  • There are a number of bad ideas that you've been taught, and they all work together to prevent you from seeing the very obvious fact that you've become delusional. If you don't want to lose your mind, please read this article to see these bad ideas described and refuted: Defusing Demonic Dirty Bombs
  • You refuse to acknowledge that a collection of bad ideas ("doctrine") has replaced the clear teachings of the Bible. In fact, you believe the doctrine that says "doctrine is not important." You like the teachers who teach you that teaching is bad. Here are a whole bunch of Bible verses that you are deliberately ignoring: Shocking Stuff You're Not Supposed to Know!
  • But you stick with those bad ideas because you like them. 
  • You continue to listen to false teachers because you like them.
  • You continue attending a church that teaches false doctrine because you like it
  • Congratulations! You have lost your mind. 
For this reason God will send upon them a deluding influence so that they will believe what is false, in order that they all may be judged who did not believe the truth, but took pleasure in wickedness.
— 2 Thessalonians 2: 11-12

Here are a few more articles (with links to more articles) that discuss this difficult issue:

Confirmation Bias: Why You Are Protecting Your False Beliefs

The Hyper-Charismatic House of Cards: Let It Fall and Be Free

Here's a recent episode of Fighting for the Faith where the author of this article (Steve Kozar) talks with Chris Rosebrough and @Aspree about this topic: How Not to Shipwreck Your Faith; here's the YouTube version: How Not to Shipwreck Your Faith

 

Here's a great little video from Chris Rice on this topic:

 

-This article by Steven Kozar

The Creepy, Drunk and Weird "Encounter Gospel" GIF Gallery!

In my previous episodes of "The Encounter Gospel" I explained the fortune-telling ("prophetic") version, and then the Hypnotic Worship "Encounter Gospel." With this episode you can simply watch... and learn! Click on any one of the GIFs to watch more. Also, it might be a fun to watch this together as a family next Halloween (if your kids are old enough)!

  (Documented Fraud) Todd Bentley Giving John and Carol Arnott an "Encounter"

(Documented Fraud) Todd Bentley Giving John and Carol Arnott an "Encounter"

  Che Ahn giving this woman "an encounter"

Che Ahn giving this woman "an encounter"

  Rodney Howard-Browne spreads a laughing "Encounter" with God in the nineties

Rodney Howard-Browne spreads a laughing "Encounter" with God in the nineties

  Rodney Howard-Browne keeps Giving People "Encounters" today

Rodney Howard-Browne keeps Giving People "Encounters" today

  Stacey Campbell having "an encounter" (John & Carol Arnott standing by, Hoping they don't get punched)

Stacey Campbell having "an encounter" (John & Carol Arnott standing by, Hoping they don't get punched)

  Randy Clark Giving Todd Bentley an "Encounter" (and falsely prophesying About him and his "great" ministry)

Randy Clark Giving Todd Bentley an "Encounter" (and falsely prophesying About him and his "great" ministry)

  Randy Clark giving this woman a screaming in pain "encounter"

Randy Clark giving this woman a screaming in pain "encounter"

  Heidi Baker having one of her many drunken "encounters"

Heidi Baker having one of her many drunken "encounters"

  Lou Engle Can give the whole room a "rock back and forth Encounter!"

Lou Engle Can give the whole room a "rock back and forth Encounter!"

  An "Encounter" at Mike Bickle's International House of Prayer (IHOP) 

An "Encounter" at Mike Bickle's International House of Prayer (IHOP) 

  Multiple "encounters" at Bethel Church

Multiple "encounters" at Bethel Church

For the truly adventurous, you can give people an Encounter they'll never forget! Watch Heidi Baker transfer a demon at Bethel Church on iBethelTV for all the world to see!

We just looked at Heidi Baker imparting some kind of demonic spirit, so we might as well study the outright Voodoo Festival at Rick Joyner's Morningstar Ministries:


If you're feeling left out on all the fun, there's a good chance you'll see plenty of "encounters" at the Toronto Blessing Reunion Show coming up this April! Buy your tickets soon!!

The Fortune-Telling "Encounter Gospel" of Bethel & the NAR Explained

Tired of getting no results with old-fashioned, Bible-based Christianity? It's time to go off the map with Bill Johnson, Kris Vallotton and all of their New Apostolic Reformation friends! In this first episode of this series we will focus on the fortune-telling aspect of the "Encounter Gospel," so get out your tarot cards, oops... I mean get out your Destiny Cards and let's get started! Here's a quick summary of the new and better Gospel of the Kingdom:

  • People aren't really that bad, they just need to be convinced of how special they are-they need to understand their "true identity."
  • Religion is the real source of people's problems, not rebellion against God (sin).
  • God is desperately trying to get people to "accept" Him, but He's been hindered by the historic Christian Church, with its specific, Biblical teachings about Salvation, Heaven and Hell, The Atonement of Jesus Christ, and all other forms of unnecessary "head knowledge" found in the Bible. 
  • People would believe in God if they could just see some proof for themselves.
  • Bethel teaches how to give people the proof they need to believe that God is real, He loves them, and He wants all of their dreams to come true so they can fulfill their "Destiny."

How does Bethel teach you to provide proof of God's existence? How can you convert anyone you want? 

Give people an "encounter with God." This is the new and better "Gospel of the Kingdom!"

  • Tell them something about themselves that can only be known supernaturally, exactly like a psychic, only much better! 
  • Always tell them something good about themselves; especially about how they have a great "Destiny" and how God thinks they're amazing.
  • Do NOT call this fortune-telling, call it prophecy. Examples: "I operate in the prophetic," or "I have a prophetic gifting/anointing/mantle/office," or "Wow! I received a prophecy from Theresa and it was dead-on!" or "These aren't tarot cards-they're prophecy cards!" 
  • It helps if you have some stock phrases memorized ahead of time, like these: "I'm sensing a shift in the atmosphere," or "You've been waiting for a breakthrough, haven't you?" or "God wants you to know that you're very special and He hasn't forgotten about you."
  • If your prospect appears skeptical or nervous, assure them that you're getting direct downloads from the third heaven realm.
  • Remember, you want people to feel confirmed, accepted and convinced of their value as unregenerate and unreconciled people ("sinners"); so do NOT mention outdated ideas like the need to repent before a Holy and Sovereign God who is angry at their sin. This means that Jesus dying on the cross to pay the penalty for our sins can (and should) be ignored.  
  • If you don't have effective fortune-telling skills you can always bring people to a manipulative "church" service (the bigger the better!), where highly emotional music is performed, theatrical stagecraft with dramatic lighting is utilized, and unverifiable stories are repeated by skillful speakers who can sell God's "Presence" and convince audience members to make "decisions" for Jesus.
  • Our next installment in this series will explain the Hypnotic Worship "Encounter Gospel" 
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John appeared, baptizing in the wilderness and proclaiming a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins.
— Mark 1:4
I baptize you with water for repentance, but he who is coming after me is mightier than I, whose sandals I am not worthy to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire.
— Matthew 3:11
And he went into all the region around the Jordan, proclaiming a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins.
— Luke 3:3
I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.
— Luke 5:32
And that repentance and forgiveness of sins should be proclaimed in his name to all nations, beginning from Jerusalem.
— Luke 24:47
And Peter said to them, “Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.”
— Acts 2:38
Repent therefore, and turn back, that your sins may be blotted out.
— Acts 3:19
But because of your stubbornness and your unrepentant heart, you are storing up wrath against yourself for the day of God’s wrath, when his righteous judgment will be revealed.
— Romans 2:5
As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.
— 2 Corinthians 7:9-10
The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.
— 2 Peter 2:9
Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.
— Proverbs 28:13

Kenneth Copeland Reveals His TRUE Identity!

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After decades of portraying a filthy-rich televangelist who bamboozles people out of their money, Kenneth Copeland has begun a new acting role: He's now portraying a scary, domineering, power-hungry, gangster instead of portraying his usual character: a scary, domineering, power-hungry, preacher.

Some entertainment critics are complaining that he's portraying the exact same character, except that the new character has a drug-lord/Cuban-type of accent instead of his former Texan-type accent, where the letter "s" is always pronounced as "sh." The important thing to understand is that no matter which character he plays, he is first and foremost an actor.

Watch this trailer to see him in his exciting new acting role:

The director for this new movie, Charles Flickburger, said that Copeland proved himself to be a versatile and competent actor. One problem that Flickburger noted, however, was the copious amount of makeup needed to cover up Copeland's cavernous, almost reptilian face. "We had a pretty good budget for pancake makeup," said Flickburger, "but we went three times over that budget in the first two weeks! But Ken's great acting skills were worth every trip I had to make back to the drug store."

At the time of this report, it remains to be seen if Copeland will return to the small screen to continue his portrayal of the heretical, greedy egomaniac that has been the focal point of his production company, humorously called "Kenneth Copeland Ministries." According to his long-time agent, Floyd Pinc, "Mr. Copeland shows no sign of slowing down. Even though he's eighty years old, he has the spunk of a much younger man, and with a good makeup artist at his disposal, he plans to continue playing these roles for as long as his loyal fans continue to pay money to watch him perform." 


Word of Faith Superstar Kenneth Copeland Proven 100% WRONG (and Nobody Cares)

Seriously now, for a lot more information about the Word of Faith movement please check out: The Word of Faith Cornucopia of False Doctrine

How to Ignore "Discernment Bloggers" and Stay Comfortably Clueless

Want to stay comfortable in your (theologically shallow & Biblically illiterate) Christian beliefs? Even if those beliefs are not really based on God's Word?? Of course you do! Here's a guide that will keep you in the dark, and will help you to avoid the bothersome content of whichever discernment bloggers are currently bugging you:

 

  1. Start with this assumption: There aren't any false teachers. With this handy starting point everything else falls comfortably into place. Just tell yourself that people who proclaim a different Gospel are just... different. It's like the difference between hotdogs and hamburgers. If there are no false teachers, then it logically follows that all discernment bloggers are wrong. Now you won't have to consider what they say!
  2. Go with the group. If the majority agrees with you, you must be right. Remember, Jesus wants you to follow the most popular teachers, even when they twist the Bible. Discernment bloggers are not popular, so they must be wrong. Now you won't have to consider what they say!
  3. Lump them all together. It's true: some discernment bloggers are too extreme and exaggerate too much, or they go off on some crazy bunny trails; therefore you can ignore everything that every discernment blogger says (see points 1 & 2).
  4. They are mean and angry, therefore, they are wrong. If you think they're mean and angry... well, that means they are mean and angry. Now you won't have to consider what they say! 
  5. Criticize their criticism. Discernment bloggers are not speaking in love when they call out false teachings and teachers, therefore you can ignore the actual content of what they say. Once you understand this you can freely criticize them, because it's not unloving when you and your group does it.
  6. Say something like this: "The Holy Spirit leads me-I don't need all this theological stuff." Remember, the Holy Spirit leads us, but He does it by using God's Word. So if you want to remain clueless, just focus on the thoughts that pop into your head, and avoid the Bible (and it's theology) at all costs. If you do decide to read your Bible, make sure to avoid the actual meaning of passages, which can be determined by simply understanding the context. Instead, use your Bible like a divining rod or a crystal ball, that way the Bible will always agree with you and your ideas!
  7. Give them a label. This is a great thought-stopper. Label all discernment bloggers with a generic and meaningless label so you can comfortably ignore them. Examples:

"He's into those Christian conspiracy theories now, it's really sad." (Hint: never define "Christian conspiracy theory;" this way people who make convincing theological arguments using scripture can be grouped together with Bigfoot hunters and UFO hobbyists.) 

 "She used to be a regular Christian, but now she's into all that weird stuff." (Hint: You get to define what's weird, in order to pacify your pre-existing beliefs)

"He's one of those judgmental, Bible-thumping Christians now. He's a religious Pharisee; he's always quoting Bible verses." (Hint: never define "judgmental" or "Bible-thumping" or "religious Pharisee."  Also, you get to determine the exact number of Bible verses that can be properly quoted before extremism sets in; also, when in doubt just quote "Judge not!")

"Ever since she's been reading those discernment articles she's gotten too negative. God's in control, right? Why worry so much?!" (Hint: if you ever realized how brain-dead the church has become, you'd be "negative" for a while, too. So keep ignoring all the proof that surrounds you, and stay away from your Bible which repeatedly warns you to watch out for false doctrine!)

 


Okay, in all seriousness, there is a lot to say on this important topic, and yes there are a lot of wacky "discernment bloggers" out there. Here's a pretty in-depth conversation between Chris Rosebrough, @Aspree and Steve Kozar: "Discerning Discernment" on Fighting for the Faith

I am amazed that you are so quickly deserting Him who called you by the grace of Christ, for a different gospel; which is really not another; only there are some who are disturbing you and want to distort the gospel of Christ. But even if we, or an angel from heaven, should preach to you a gospel contrary to what we have preached to you, he is to be accursed! As we have said before, so I say again now, if any man is preaching to you a gospel contrary to what you received, he is to be accursed!
— Galatians 1: 6-9
Currently, anyone who insists that pure doctrine is a very important matter is immediately suspected of not having the right Christian spirit. The very term ‘pure doctrine’ is considered taboo and is outlawed. If anyone holds fast to pure teaching and attempts to fight against any false doctrine, he is put down as a heartless and unloving fanatic. The era in which we live is what the apostle refers to when he says of false teachers that they are ‘always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth.’ The spirit of our time is the same as in the era of Pilate, to whom the Lord had testified that He was the King of Truth in a kingdom of truth and who sneered, ‘What is truth?’

To hate pure doctrine is to hate the truth, for pure doctrine is nothing but the pure Word of God-plain and simple. When people hate pure doctrine, that is proof that we are living in a terribly miserable era.
— C. F. W. Walther "Law & Gospel-How to Read and Apply the Bible" Written in 1878

Which of These Crazy Quotes Did Jennifer LeClaire NOT Actually Say?

 

The following quotes from Charisma Magazine editor Jennifer LeClaire are all real, except for one that is totally fabricated. Remember, Dr. Michael Brown fully endorses Jennifer LeClaire, and has gone to great lengths to protect her from criticism. Have fun guessing, and we hope you don't get nightmares from reading this: 

 

 1. "I believe people can release witchcraft word curses against you. I more than believe it, I know it because my inbox is full of them every week. People curse me, my family, my ministry and more with the wicked words of their mouth—most of the times these are Christians. A witchcraft word curse from a Christian, I believe, is more powerful than any curse from a witch because a believer's words carry an anointing."

2. "New Testament prophets consumed with the spirit of Jezebel continue to release fearful death threats in the form of judgments and curses that are not from God. Ashtoreth and Baal were married. So these spirits often share one another's characteristics. We must discern what we are dealing with. The prophets of Jezebel were puppets, probably among her messengers of doom."

3. "The Holy Spirit showed me that we are entering a season of shifting atmospheres, because the witchcraft spirit of Jezebel is merging with the spirit of religion. It's time to get prepared for the prophetic battle that will enable us to secure God's victory, but we cannot grow weary and become complacent. Jezebel is more patient, most of the time, than we are. We can curse our victory before it is secured-by our negative words."

4. "There was a prophet-killing spirit on the loose that had successfully muted the voice of true prophets and turned them into spiritual eunuchs. Without any true power or authority of their own, eunuchs live vicariously through Jezebel and draw their strength from the approval of Jezebel-or more specifically those flowing in a Jezebel spirit-rather than the approval of God."

5. "After this squid spirit attacked my friend, I went to her home to help her battle it. The attack was severe, but when I laid hands on her and commanded the squid to be bound, the most violent symptoms would cease. Of course, when you stand in the gap, you often take a hit. That squid spirit started stalking me. I ended up with a migraine during the battle—a manifestation of that mind control spirit—and was attacked in my mind for days afterwards."

6. "The Holy Spirit showed me that many times witchcraft against your mind can cause you to focus so much on the symptoms attacking your body that you can't extend your faith to receive God's healing power. In other words, if you aren't careful, when witchcraft attacks your mind you will wind up speaking and thinking about the infirmity rather than speaking and thinking about your healing, allowing the enemy to maintain the stronghold." 

 

Learn more about Jennifer Leclaire, Dr. Michael Brown and the "Sneaky Squid Spirit" on this fascinating episode of Fighting for the Faith: The Calamari Discord

Dr. Michael Brown Ruins His Credibility on His Own Facebook Wall, Then Deletes All the Evidence

Dr. Michael Brown (Sort of) Approves of These "Fine Christians..." Watch at your Own Risk!

"Beware of the Sneaky Squid Spirit" Says Jennifer LeClaire!

Jennifer LeClaire's Hypocritical Goofy Prophetic Pimping


For those of you who think it's mean and un-loving to criticize Jennifer LeClaire (or any other popular teacher) here's a list of Bible verses to consider: Shocking Stuff You're Not Supposed to Know.

Finally, here's an important article that will help you be more discerning and a lot less gullible: Defusing Demonic Dirty Bombs.

"Want Some False Doctrine in Your Life? Try These Handy Tips!"

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Don't be shy about it, go ahead and admit it: false doctrine is fun and, well it just feels good! Here are some handy tips to keep you fully deceived and incapable of discernment:

1. Always think to yourself: "I know what he meant" when false teachings are taught; don't listen to the actual words themselves. Pretend you are giving someone the "benefit of the doubt" when you're actually permitting bad teaching. Also, bad teaching isn't so bad if the pastor tells an emotional story to drive home the heresy; and he must be telling the truth if he starts to cry, especially at the same point of the story in multiple services!

2. Here's a handy saying: "No church is perfect!" The assumption here is that it's not of any value to carefully examine doctrine because all churches are wrong in one way or another, so just accept anything. If you go to the church because "you feel comfortable there" and the "worship team really rocks" you'll probably never have to think much about doctrine anyway. This can also be modified as: "No pastor is perfect!" False teachers and mediocre pastors really appreciate it when you think this way.

3. Focus on your feelings rather than the clear teachings of Scripture. Because you're a sinner, this will be very easy. For added validation of your false beliefs, convince yourself that God told you to disobey Him and somehow violate His word; but don't use such obvious language. For example, say: I really feel that God spoke to my heart, that's why I believe it's okay to.. (fill in the blank with whatever sin and/or false doctrine you want). A great little catch phrase to instill this principle would be something like this: "Theology will never change a man as much as a direct encounter with God." Of course, if you really had a direct encounter with God you'd probably be dead...

4. Allow false doctrine from a teacher because "he has some good things to say, too..." A handy little phrase to repeat is: "Chew on the meat and spit out the bones." Although this concept isn't Biblical, pretend that it is. It will probably help you to imagine yourself "open-minded" and "non-judgmental" when you repeatedly ignore God's clear instructions to hold fast to correct doctrine.

5. Consider "doctrine" the same thing as "religiosity" or "legalism." If you realize that doctrine is just another word for teaching (and the Bible demands correct teaching) you might decide to become more discerning, and remember, false teachers everywhere are counting on you to stay ignorant and gullible.

6. Promote false teaching "for the sake of the un-churched." You want to have lot's of new people coming to church, don't you? Well, give the public what they want and watch attendance skyrocket! Remember, the unrepentant sinners out there will show up if they are promised something to appease their selfish desires. Better sex? Bigger paychecks? Well-behaved children? God can give your unsaved neighbor all of that-and more! The seeker-friendly pastor already knows this dynamic growth program, and with your blind support (and weekly tithe checks) he will craft emotionally appealing motivational speeches to convert pagans into regular attending members! And let's not forget that these same pastors ("leadership experts") will provide your community with a sense of purpose and identity (and a six-figure salary for themselves), so don't bog them down with Biblical requirements that would stunt the growth of the organization.

7. "Group Think" is a major component of false doctrine, so, "go with the group!" Fortunately for you, there are plenty of groups that are teaching and promoting false doctrine, so just pick the one you're most comfortable with and buy into their twisted version of Christianity. Here are some of your choices:       

     First, there's the "What do we believe this month?" "Emerging", "Post-Modern" church (think: Rob Bell, Brian McClaren, etc.). Millennials love this one; it's hip and it only get's hipper as it dumps Biblical doctrine in favor of pagan mysticism and cultural sensitivity (which is usually just capitulation to the culture). Remember, you're never actually believing false doctrine, you're just "having a conversation!" Wink wink, nudge nudge.

     Second, for the suburban soccer-mom crowd, there's the "seeker-friendly" mega church (think: Rick Warren, Bill Hybels, Andy Stanley, etc.). These churches are a mash-up between a cinema-plex, a shopping mall and a Starbucks. Bigger is better, right?! And if you ever (accidentally) start to question whether anything lines up with Scripture, you can just take a look around the vast auditorium: this many people can't be wrong! As long as you think so, you clever little conformist! 

     Thirdly, for the truly adventurous, you can find a vast number of Charismatic churches that aren't even close to orthodox Christianity! (Think: Bill Johnson, Rick Joyner, T.D. Jakes, etc.) What's not to like about a church that believes anyone can come up with new doctrine anytime by hearing directly from God?! Oh sure, they give lip service to the Bible, but with proof-texting they can make the Bible appear to say anything! Does God just want you to be rich, happy and successful? Sure He does! Do we just have to "speak that into existence?" Sure we do! Remember, the Holy Spirit is your personal genie in a bottle, and after you've swayed back and forth with the praise band for an hour or two, you'll actually start to believe that. Key words and phrases: "Woooo!" "Fire!" "More, Lord, more!" "Shabba!" "I feel a releasing of the anointing that is beginning to shift the atmosphere, and the mantle of His Presence is about to come down so that the glory of His anointing can release His manifestation into the manifold destiny of His glory, so that the seven mountain mandate can be established in abundance and victory..." 

 

Here's an important article that will help you be more discerning and a lot less gullible: Defusing Demonic Dirty Bombs.

If you think it's mean and unloving to be critical of false teachers in the church, please consider what the Bible actually says: Shocking Stuff You're Not Supposed to Know

"The User's Guide to Postmodern Christianity"

     Step one is essential: "Get in the loop!" What does this mean, you ask? Well, this thought pattern is almost everything you'll need to stay clueless within the confines of Postmodern Christianity. Once you start thinking this way, you'll never get out of "the loop." It goes like this:

     "Mean, angry, narrow-minded and judgmental people are bad, and whatever they believe is instantly invalidated by the fact that they are judgmental, narrow-minded, angry and mean. I get to decide if, and when, they are mean, angry, narrow-minded and judgmental."

     Once you're safely in this loop you won't need to carefully consider the truth claims of another believer with their precious little Bible verses. And, thankfully, you'll never have to learn anything about the theology and creeds that have been passed down for almost two thousand years. Remember, there are still old-fashioned Christians who believe in the inerrancy of Scripture, and they are mean, angry, narrow-minded and judgmental. These dinosaurs want to conduct church the same old way and cling to antiquated beliefs that are out of step with today's social climate. You can easily ignore these people if you're "in the loop." Before you know it, you will have completely dehumanized them and-best of all-you'll never even realize that you've been the judgmental one all along! 

      To follow step two, say something like this: "That may be true for you, but it's not true for me." In days of old, this was only used for superficial matters, like one's preference of Mary Ann to Ginger. Nowadays this simplistic catch phrase serves a vital new purpose: it enables anyone to ignore God's Word with impunity. It used to be that a Christian couldn't just go around rearranging and reinterpreting the Bible, but now it's easy! You may substitute similar catch phrases like "I just feel like it's not wrong for me" or you can even quote the great Bible verse "What is truth? asked Pilate..."

      Step three, in case you haven't already figured it out, is this: Don't read, quote or even think about the Bible. I know, I know, this sounds extreme, but remember this is Postmodern Christianity. Postmodernity is a belief system that says that no belief system is true. It's absolutely certain that nothing is absolutely certain. The Bible is full of absolute truth claims-that's why it's so exclusive, hateful and out-of-date. However, you will still need to make reference to it on occasion, so it's good to have some overly simplistic proof-texts handy. "Thou shall not judge" is the all-time most popular proof-text, so feel free to throw it around as often as you want. Just remember not to read the entire passage in the actual Bible, otherwise you'll see what Jesus really meant. You can even misquote it like this: "Who are we to judge?" or ""Only God can judge-that's not my job!"

      The Bible has clear rules about what is right and wrong, so you need to avoid all that. Remember, people generally hate God's rules, so you need to stay on their side; instead, make those Bible thumping "traditionalist" Christians seem like the real problem, i.e. they're bad because they think they're better than anyone else. You must ignore the fact that true Bible-believing Christians don't think they're better than anyone else-they are simply pointing to the unchangeable truth of God's Word as the only ultimate authority. Furthermore, the Gospel itself is only "Good News" because Jesus died on the cross to pay for our sins... and we couldn't even have sins unless we were guilty of breaking God's commandments... and since God Himself gave us His commandments we are clearly guilty and in need of a Savior.... do you see how this all falls apart if you start reading the Bible? You'll just turn into a regular Christian-ugh!

     Instead of that, keep it simple and just say something like "I believe the way of Jesus is love" or "I believe God just wants everyone to be happy." Nobody's going to argue with that, right? For more ideas on how to misquote God's Word, just listen to any interview with Rob Bell, Brian McLaren, Doug Pagitt, Tony Jones or any of the hip new emergent leaders. With a good dose of sincerity and direct eye contact (plus some emotional background music), you can say almost anything in the name of Jesus!

     Finally, when in doubt, always prefer ambiguity over certainty and truth. Ambiguity is the magic glue that holds Postmodern Christianity together. What does this mean? I don't know, what do you think it means? Is it possible that the ambiguity of uncertainty is really just the context from within which our sense of community can emerge? I don't know, I'm just asking the question, because the beauty of relationship reveals itself through the self-discovery process, as we all find personal meaning together and individually. I'm not saying that anyone's version of truth is right or wrong; I'm just asking questions so that a dialogue can be established. Maybe there's a better way, a way where all of our collective narrations can form a cohesive, yet multi-faceted story. Maybe this new story can lead us to a place where fear and hatred will be replaced by mystery, beauty and ongoing book sales. A place with well-attended conferences and substantial speaking fees, a place of extensive radio and T.V. interviews and, ultimately, a regular guest position with Oprah. We must dream. We must hope. We must never reach any conclusions.

See how easy this is?

Now get out there and confuse everyone! You can do it!! 

 

 

 

(Thanks to the folks at Pyromaniacs for the memes)

 

 


For a serious look at the "Emerging/Postmodern" church, please watch this extensive video: